


It's All Coming Back

by bellarkeness



Category: The 100
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Broken Hearts, Discussion of Abortion, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied Cheating, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Gaslighting, Implied/Referenced Manipulation, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Loss, Miscarriage, Misunderstandings, Past Underage Sex, Scars/cesarean birth, Seriously this will hurt before it gets better, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, anger issues, pregnancy loss, preterm labor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-11 15:54:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 31,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19930636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellarkeness/pseuds/bellarkeness
Summary: Clarke receives a wedding invitation in the mail from Octavia Blake. Clarke hasn’t seen either of them since the senior ski trip five years ago. A cheerleading injury was going to prevent her from the trip and Bellamy refuses to go until Clarke convinces him to attend. In the matter of one night they both manage to lose the person that they love the most. Clarke disappears after everything that happens and Bellamy attempts to move from it all. Neither of them are telling the truth to the other and both of them are hiding secrets of their own. What happens when the darkness can no longer hold their secrets bringing the truth to the light? Will they finally be able to work it out or will they lose each other forever?





	It's All Coming Back

**Author's Note:**

> Please heed the tags that have been listed above. I have tagged this heavily as I do not want anyone to be offended or triggered by this fic. If you like Abby as a character this is NOT the fic for you. Please do not continue if you are uncomfortable with any of the tags or like Abby as a character. With that being said I hope that you enjoy this story. It took a lot for me to write it and I can't tell you how many times I have cried while writing this story.
> 
> This is the beautiful fan art that was made by [eastwesthomeisbest](https://eastwesthomeisbest.tumblr.com/)

Clarke felt a heaviness in her chest as she slid a finger across the back of the beautifully designed envelope, releasing the seal from the paper. Her hands shook as she pulled the invitation from its resting place. Taking a deep breath, she prepared to open the invitation. She thought she had prepared herself for this, but as the tears pricked at the corners of her eyes, she knew she hadn't. She flipped open the invitation, reading the words a few times, before she felt her heart started to beat again.

“Hey, Clarke,” Shaw said walking into the kitchen,“What do you have there?”

Clarke quickly swiped at the edges of her eyes before turning to her friend. “I have an invitation to Octavia Blake’s wedding,” Clarke answered, passing the invitation over. She watched closely as her roommate took in the information printed on the invitation.

“Blake as in…?” Shaw asked, letting the question trail off, hoping for her to fill in the blanks.

“As in the sister of a boy I once knew,” Clarke sighed, as she held the RSVP card in her hand. “A boy that I loved, who forgot to love me back.”

“Let’s go,” Shaw told her, pulling the response card from her hands. He quickly checked the yes box and added a plus one. Clarke tried to swipe it back from him but he was too fast for her. She watched him seal it inside the pre-addressed envelope. “We can go and make him jealous.”

“For some reason, I think that your girlfriend, Raven, might have something to say about that,” she said, looking at him with a raised brow.

“Let me worry about Raven, you need to worry about getting a dress for this event,” Shaw said. He winked at her as he strode out of the kitchen with the response card in hand. 

Clarke let out a heavy sigh, knowing that he was going to return it to the mailbox in front of their apartment building. There would be no way for her to stash it away, pretending it never came to her. She shook her head as she got up from the table. Maybe there was another way to circumvent Shaw’s over-enthusiastic nature and change her response to the wedding invite. She would prefer to keep her distance from the Blake family, especially the dark haired boy with soulful brown eyes, that broke her heart all those years ago. 

Clarke walked purposefully toward her bedroom, closing the door softly behind her and grabbing her computer to see what she could find. She tapped her fingers against the keys and decided to look for Octavia first. Clarke stared at the picture on the computer screen with disbelief, feeling herself get thrown back into the past.

_Clarke looked over her belongings for the tenth time, checking to make sure she had everything for their camping trip. She had never been camping before but apparently it was a Blake family tradition and Octavia wanted her to come along with them. She was excited to get to spend time with her friend and maybe possibly get to know Bellamy better._

_“Clarke, are you ready?” Octavia inquired standing in the doorway “Bellamy is waiting out front.”_

_“Yeah, I think I’m ready.”_

_“Maybe, for the apocalypse. Jesus Clarke, how much stuff did you pack?” Octavia asked, taking inventory of her things. “We’re only going to be gone for four days.”_

_“I’ve never been camping before,” she responded, pulling her suitcase off the bed, “I just want to be prepared.”_

_Clarke listened to Octavia laugh all the way through her house and felt her face glowing red in embarrassment as they reached Bellamy’s truck. Clarke walked over to where he was standing to deposit her stuff that she was taking. Their eyes connected and the amusement dancing in his eyes made her defensive._

_“What?” Clarke hissed, watching in silent horror as Bellamy leaned in close, whispering in her ear._

_“I don’t know what’s more exciting to me...the blush dancing across your skin or the heated frustration flickering in your eyes,” Bellamy whispered against the shell of her ear in a low graveled voice, making goosebumps erupted across her entire body._

_Clarke felt her breath hitch at the insinuation in his words and the intent in his voice. She shivered as she took a step back from him, making her way back to Octavia. She couldn’t meet his eyes, knowing that he didn’t miss her reaction to him._

_“Weirdos,” Octavia said, before climbing into the backseat._

_Clarke took a deep breath to steady her nerves as she climbed into the passenger seat. She heard Bellamy climb into the driver's seat next to her and steeled her nerves in order to look at him. The desire that flooded from his brown eyes into hers told her she wasn’t the only one affected by that encounter. She had no idea what was happening, but she felt a flutter in her stomach at the thought of spending the next four days in the woods with Bellamy Blake._

Clarke shook her head, attempting to dispel the memory before it went any further. She finally let the tears fall down her cheeks, a broken sob leaving her throat, as she sat there staring at Octavia’s profile picture. It showcased the smiling Blake siblings from that weekend, the only thing missing was Clarke’s smiling face...it had been cropped out. She closed her laptop, no longer caring to rescind the RSVP, she just wanted to close her eyes against the pain rattling around in her heart.

* * *

Bellamy gripped the heavy paper in his closed fist, trying to breathe, as he stalked down the hallway. He couldn’t believe she had actually went through with sending the stupid invitation and there was now an RSVP with a plus one attached. He didn’t even bother to knock on the door before pushing it open to glare at his sister.

“Octavia Marie Blake! Are you serious?!” Bellamy yelled, holding the card up as evidence. “You actually sent her the invitation!”

Octavia didn’t respond as she scampered over to him and pulled the crumpled card from his hand. She quickly read the response given, letting out a heavy sigh, as she saw the addition to the guest count. 

“I was hoping she would respond,” Octavia explained, still staring at the card in her hands. “Just not with a plus one.”

“Why would you?” 

“Bell--,” Octavia started.

“No, Octavia, you asked and I said no,” Bellamy growled. “I can’t believe that you would actually send an ex of mine an invitation!”

“She was more than just your ex, Bellamy,” Octavia countered. “She was my friend too, before you screwed that up!”

Bellamy didn’t respond to the accusation that his sister threw at him. Instead, he quickly turned away from his sister and stomped back to his own room. He slammed the door, sank down to the floor. He cradled his head in his hands, as a memory came flooding back to him. 

_Bellamy watched as the cheerleading team ran out to the center of the field. He quickly spotted his sister, before his eyes landed on the blonde in the center of the group. Bellamy felt the corners of his mouth pick up in a small smile. This was going to be one hell of a season, if she was the captain. Bellamy always supported Octavia’s desire to be a cheerleader; even when it meant he had to attend the sporting events. He would much rather be at home, watching a documentary, than watching an archaic sport. He watched the cheer captain with undivided attention and applauded when it was required. When the game was over, he made his way to where the cheerleaders were packing up._

_“Hey Big Brother!” Octavia exclaimed as he approached. “How did you like the show?”_

_“It was okay, I guess,” he responded with a laugh. “I mean--.”_

_“Hey, I worked really hard on that routine, don’t you dare say one bad word about it!” Came a voice from the center of the group._

_“Well, for starters, the back row was off a beat and only about half of you smiled,” Bellamy teased, his smile growing. “However, you, Princess, were the only thing I couldn’t take my eyes off of.”_

_“Bellamy!” Octavia hissed, attempting to pull him away from the group. “Let’s go!”_

_“And what makes you such an expert on cheerleading routines?” The blonde asked, pushing through the crowd, stopping directly in front of him. The top of her head barely reached over the center of his chest, but the sheer determination on her face made her look intimidating._

_“Years of helping my sister with practices and meets would be a good start,” Bellamy replied, watching as her bravado slipped just a little. “I’m Bellamy, Octavia’s brother.” He extended his hand towards the blonde. Bellamy watched as she narrowed her eyes at him, judging him, and finding him worthy as she slipped her soft hand into his._

_“Clarke Griffin, cheerleading captain not Princess,” Clarke responded with a firm shake of his hand._

_Bellamy chuckled softly, noting the irritation his earlier statement had caused in her deep blue eyes, as she corrected him. He was going to have a good time teasing her throughout the season, especially if she got this worked up over a simple observation._

_“Whatever you say, Princess” Bellamy said, making sure to emphasize her new nickname. “We have to get going though...until next time.”_

_Bellamy didn’t wait for her to respond as he quickly picked up Octavia’s bag and headed for his truck. He could feel the daggers she was shooting at his back as he walked away. He was trying his hardest not to laugh, knowing that it would just enrage her further, but he couldn’t help the laughter that escaped._

Bellamy shook his head, letting out a heavy sigh as the memory faded back to the past. He slowly rose from where he had been sitting on the floor, there was no reason to continue to dwell in history. Bellamy made his way over to his bed, blowing out a breath as he ran a hand through his thick curls, preparing to do something that he hadn’t done in years. He was going to look up Clarke Griffin and maybe prepare himself for their upcoming reunion.

* * *

Clarke slowly came to when she felt the bed dip under the weight of the person behind her. She let out a small sigh when slender arms pulled her to them. She feels the tears wanting to spill over the edges but pulls them back, refusing to cry anymore tears. 

“Is it true?”

“Yeah, it’s true,” Clarke whispered into the darkness. 

“Are you okay?”

Clarke laid there, thinking about her answer and, honestly, she wasn’t sure how she felt about the situation. She wants to be angry that the past is coming back to haunt her, but Octavia had been her friend too. She just wasn’t sure if she would be more hurt not getting an invitation or by actually being invited.

“I don’t know,” Clarke answered, turning to look at her friend. “I want to be angry but I’m not. It hurts to have been invited, bringing up the past, but I think I would be more hurt if I hadn’t been invited.”

“Are you really going to go?” Raven asked. “I mean I’m willing to loan you my boyfriend, if it means you’ll get closure.”

“Ha! I think his plan is to make him jealous, not get me closure,” Clarke smiled, for the first time since opening the envelope. “I don’t even know what closure would feel like.”

“I just want you to be happy, Clarke,” Raven told her. “I know you’ve put on a good facade, but you’ve been carrying this since the ski trip five years ago.”

Clarke sighed, wishing her best friend didn’t actually know her so well. Raven had been there for the fall out and helped her pick up the pieces after Bellamy shattered her heart. She wasn’t sure she could stand seeing him again after everything she lost. 

“I guess if you’re willing to let me borrow Zeke, I can go and face the past, but I think I might have to warn him,” Clarke said, things between her and Bellamy didn’t end nicely. 

“Nah, we don’t need to dredge up the past anymore that we already have...for now.” 

Clarke laughed at the cheesy grin her friend was sporting. She wasn’t exactly sure what she did to deserve Raven Reyes in her life but she silently thanked whichever god brought her here. 

“You know that’s probably not fair, right?” Clarke stated. 

“Maybe he shouldn’t have been so overzealous and he wouldn’t be in this predicament,” Raven answered back. “Now would he, hmmm?”

“Thank you, Raven,” Clarke said as she wrapped her arms around her in a hug. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Be a mess. Now let’s go get something to eat. I’m starving,” Raven said, disentangling their limbs. 

Clarke got up to follow her, listening to her stomach grumble. Shaw was pulling dinner out of the stove and Clarke felt herself salivate at the smell of his lasagna. 

“I’m not sure if you love me or pity me,” Clarke said as she sat down at the small table. “But I’m going to take it.”

“I don’t pity you but I do care for you,” Shaw told her with a soft smile. “So, are you going to tell me what I’ve signed up for or am I on my own?”

“Oh, you’re definitely on your own,” Raven retorted. “Maybe then you’ll learn your lesson about not jumping the gun.”

“Never.”

Clarke snagged a garlic knot before dishing up some lasagna. She smiled, watching the exchange between the two of them. She felt content sitting in silence, basking in the glow of their happiness, if anyone deserved each other, it would be them.

* * *

The next day, Bellamy scrolled through the search results for _Clarke Griffin_ , waiting for her beautiful face to come across the screen. He didn’t realize that there were that many on Facebook.When he found her, he sat there staring at her profile picture for a moment. Her hair was a little bit longer, but her bright smile was still the same as he remembered it. Against his better judgement, he clicked on her name. Bellamy tapped his fingers on his leg waiting for the page to load, feeling nerves start to stir in the pit of his stomach. 

“Bell…,” Octavia called, knocking gently on his door. 

Bellamy quickly shut his laptop, pushing it under his pillow, his heart pounding against his ribcage. He wasn’t sure if it was because he was searching for Clarke or because he was almost caught. He stood up from his bed and walked to the door. 

“What?” Bellamy gruffly asked, still not happy with his sister.

“ I wanted to make sure that you were okay,” Octavia said. “Please, don’t be mad at me.”

“What was the point of asking if you were just going to do it anyway?” 

“I don’t know, Bell, I just wanted…,” Octavia trailed off, unsure of the answer anymore.

“Nevermind, O. I don’t think it matters,” he responded, shaking his head at her lack of response. 

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Octavia whispered sadly. “I guess I just wanted to see her again.”

Bellamy stood there, looking at his sister with her slumped shoulders and sad eyes. He couldn’t be too mad at her, not when she didn’t know the truth of it all. “I’m not mad,” Bellamy said, before pulling her into a side hug. He felt her arms hug him back and her soft sigh against his chest.

“Love you, Bell.”

“Love you, too, kid,” Bellamy said, as he kissed her forehead. “Now, go finish your seating chart because I know you’ve been sulking instead of planning.”

Bellamy chuckled softly as he watched his sister dance away from him. He really wasn’t mad at her for inviting Clarke. It just felt like a punch to the gut, one that he hadn’t been prepared for. He debated going back to his computer to snoop around her profile when his phone rang. Bellamy smiled as the familiar name flashed across his screen.

“What do you want, stranger?” Bellamy asked, before the person could say anything. 

“I was wondering if maybe you could be available for lunch?” 

“Yeah,” Bellamy responded. “Just let me get my stuff together. Where do you wanna meet?”

“How about Emmett’s?” 

“Sounds good. See you soon,” Bellamy replied, ending the call and grabbing his keys off the desk. “O, I’m headed to Emmett’s for lunch, want anything?”

Bellamy shook his head as the answer was simply a screamed “wedding”, which he should’ve assumed that she wasn’t going to want carbs any time soon, but it was still polite to ask. He headed for the elevator in their building, hoping the taxi shouldn’t take more than twenty minutes. He was nervous to be meeting her for lunch and excited at the same time. 

Bellamy smiled kindly at the driver as he gave the address to the restaurant. The cab pulled up outside of Emmett’s in what seemed like no time at all. Bellamy felt his stomach start to knot up as he paid the driver, opening the door to get out of the cab. He took a deep, steadying breath before opening the door. He spotted her immediately sitting in a booth off to the side and from the looks of everything she hadn’t changed at all. He smiled at her as he slid into the booth causing her to raise her head to meet his eyes. 

“Does this mean that you’re done picking sides?” Bellamy asked her point blank.

“Bellamy that’s not fair and you know it,” Raven said, studying the man before her. “We made it through the Finn debacle, I wasn’t going to leave her because of you.”

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Reyes,” Bellamy hissed. “You dropped me faster than that asshole and I didn’t even do anything wrong.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong?! Are you kidding me?!” Raven snapped, her eyes flashing with anger. “You broke her heart for no goddamn reason, but I was supposed to pick you, right?”

“Raven…,” Bellamy attempted to placate her.

“No, Bellamy you don’t get to sit there and be mad, because I chose my best friend over yet another boy who cheated on her!” Raven said, raising her voice causing other patrons to take notice of them. “You didn’t have to pick up the pieces. You got to just walk away, like none of it mattered.”

Bellamy sat there listening to her rant about a past she knew nothing about, not that he would ever tell her what actually happened, that was his burden to carry. He felt his mind drifting off to a different time, a simpler time, when they were happy.

_Bellamy was trying really hard and failing to be patient with Clarke. The girl had never been camping before, which was painstakingly obvious by the amount of things she packed, but right now she was attempting to set up their tent without his help. He had offered to help to make it easier but her pride wasn’t going to let her accept his help._

_“Come on, just let me help you,” Bellamy said, as Clarke failed to connect the pieces again. “I promise not to take it over completely,” Bellamy didn’t need to look at her to feel the heated stare she was giving him._

_“I don’t need your help, Bellamy,” Clarke snapped. “I’m pretty sure that we can do this on our own, right O?”_

_“I think we got this, Bell,” Octavia agreed as a ripping sound tore through the forest. “Hmmm, maybe not.”_

_Bellamy shook his head as he walked over to where the girls had been trying to put the tent together. He quickly inspected the tent for the hole that was going through the center of what should’ve been the top of it._

_“Looks like you two will be staying in my tent,” Bellamy stated, “unless you don’t mind a giant hole in the top of your tent.”_

_“It won’t be that bad. We don’t have to get in a tent with you,” Clarke said, grabbing the tent back from him._

_Bellamy leaned over her shoulder, putting his mouth close to her ear. “You afraid, Princess?” Bellamy whispered against her skin, her answering shiver making him smile. He couldn’t help himself, he wanted to cause the same reaction he had earlier._

_“I am_ not _afraid, Blake,” Clarke bit out as she turned to stare him down. “And don’t call me that!”_

_Bellamy just laughed, before turning to walk to his completely put together tent without holes. He could feel her stare scorching his back. It wouldn’t be long before she realized the tent was trashed and she would have to sleep inside his perfectly secure one._

_“Are we really going to have to share a tent?” Octavia asked, coming to sit next to him._

_“Well, the hole starts directly at the top of your tent. I’m pretty sure you don’t want the bugs and spiders to join you at night.”_

_“Yeah, no. Clarke, we are staying with Bellamy.”_

_“I want her to be in the middle,” Bellamy whispered._

_“As long as I don’t have to be near you and that’s what she wants, I don’t care.”_

_Bellamy smiled in triumph because he knew that it meant she was okay with them. He didn’t want to do anything that would upset Octavia, but there was an undeniable attraction he felt for Clarke. Hell, he was probably already half in love with her._

_Bellamy watched as Octavia skipped over to her to tell her that they would be sharing his tent. Her face turned the brightest shade of red that he had ever seen from her. He knew that nothing major could happen on their camping trip but there was definitely the possibility of the start of something. He remembered waking up the next morning and Clarke somehow ended up in his arms and her face was burrowed into his chest, as if fighting the night chill._

“Are you even listening to me, Blake?” Raven asked, reaching out to touch his arm.

“Sorry, I just got a little lost,” Bellamy answered, shaking the haze from his head, but the distant look still remained in his eyes.

“Promise me that you won’t hurt her, again,” Raven pleaded. 

Bellamy didn’t respond because he couldn’t make that promise to her, just seeing her again was going to hurt. He watched as a pizza was set down in front of them, one that he didn’t remember ever ordering. He looked up to catch Raven’s sad eyes that silently begged him to leave her friend alone. He just gave her a small sad smile, hoping that she understood everything he left unsaid, that he would try but he couldn’t promise her a damn thing.

* * *

Clarke had just settled on the chaise with her tea, the new book that she picked up, when Zeke sat down next to her with an expectant look on his face. She didn’t meet his eyes, refusing to acknowledge his existence because she still wasn’t ready to explain away the drama of her younger years.

“Come on, Griffin. I can’t go into this thing blind,” Shaw said, hoping to encourage her to talk. “I can’t make him jealous if I don’t know anything.”

Clarke just laughed in response, she was pretty sure that him being within five feet of her, would make Bellamy jealous. 

“Please.”

“Fine, but no interrupting because I’m only doing this once,” Clarke said, as she mentally prepared herself to go back in time. “It was during senior year. Bellamy and I had been dating for two years and the senior class ski trip was coming up but I wasn’t supposed to go...” Clarke felt herself fall back into the past.

_Clarke had been arguing with Bellamy for the last hour or so about their upcoming class trip. She knew that it was something that you spent the majority of your high school years dreaming about. It was an all inclusive paid ski trip for the seniors, that was paid for by fundraising and the PTA. The trip was something Bellamy had been talking about non-stop all year, until last week when she was told she wasn’t able to go._

_“Clarke, I’m not going on that trip without you,” Bellamy argued for what felt like the millionth time. “There isn’t a reason for me to go without you. We can just sit here and hang out.”_

_“Bellamy, you only get to do this once and I’m not letting you give up something because I can’t go,” Clarke tried reasoning with him again._

_“I don’t know why they’re saying you can’t go anyway, you make it to and from school just fine.”_

_Clarke let out a deep, heavy sigh, unsure if this was going to continue to go around in circles. She had injured her leg during one of the cheer competitions and was told that she wouldn’t be able to make the trip, due to the long travel. She was heartbroken and crushed, but she would live with it because she couldn’t let Bellamy sit this one out for her. He already sacrifices so much for everyone else._

_“Bellamy, please, just go ahead without me. Have fun with Miller, Murphy, and Monty. I’m sure that there will be plenty for you to do and we can facetime,” Clarke implored, attempting to appeal to thoughts of his friends. “I promise this will go by so fast, it will seem like we didn’t spend any time apart.”_

_“Fine, I will go, but I will hate every second of it,” Bellamy finally relented. “I won’t even smile for photos.”_

_“Liar.”_

_“Okay, maybe one smile,” Bellamy said as he kissed her forehead._

_“So what you’re saying is it ended because he left for the ski trip and left you behind?” Zeke asked, interrupting her memory._

_“If only it were that simple...now just listen or you’ll definitely be on your own,” Clarke responded with a soft smile, that didn’t reach her eyes…_

_Clarke kisses Bellamy goodbye before he boarded the bus that would take the senior class to the resort. She wanted him to have a good time, but at the same time she had this horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach. He had been acting strange since the night she had finally convinced him to go, like he was hiding something but she couldn’t, for the life of her, imagine what he would need to hide...they didn’t have secrets._

_“You two are both gross,” Octavia said as Clarke got into the car._

_“Does he seem different?”_

_“Different how?” Octavia countered, starting the car to take them both back to Clarke’s house._

_“I don’t know but something just seems off.”_

_“I think you’re reading too much into the whole thing, he probably just doesn’t want to leave you for an entire weekend.” Octavia explained, but the nagging feeling didn’t settle._

_Clarke stared out the window, watching as the frozen landscape passed by in a blur. She pulled out her phone to check her messages but found nothing. She could feel something settled heavily in her stomach, it was twisting and making her dread going back home. Clarke frowned as Octavia pulled up behind a car that she didn’t recognize. “You waiting on someone?”_

_“I have no idea whose car that is in front of us,” Octavia said, as she turned off the car._

_Clarke opened the door, before reaching behind the seat for her crutches. “Hey, Griffin, wanna go on a trip?” Clarke whipped her head around to the voice that called from the unknown car. She saw her best friend standing next to the driver’s side door, grinning like a damn fool._

_“What are you doing here and where did you get that fancy car?”_

_“I rented it for the weekend, because none of our cars would make the trip. This way, you can go on the senior trip,” Raven said, gesturing towards the car beside her. “I mean, I was able to get out of work and you deserve to go.”_

_“I don’t know what to say to this, Raven.”_

_“I believe that is a yes,” Octavia interrupted, pushing a bag into her hands and smiling. “I mean, you really can’t miss your senior trip.”_

_Clarke could feel the tears starting to form as she looked between the two girls. She really didn’t know what to say, so she just hugged them both tightly whispering thank you repeatedly as she attempted to hide the tears of joy._

_“Quit crying, Griffin, and get in the damn car.”_

_Clarke pulled away from the two of them, kissing Octavia on the cheek, and got into the car. Raven loaded the bag into the trunk as Clarke said goodbye to her friend. She felt the butterflies of excitement start to dance in her stomach, temporarily washing away the dread. Clarke was going to get to spend the weekend with Bellamy after all. The drive took longer than it normally would have due to Clarke needing to stretch periodically and the stopping for snacks._

_Clarke felt her heart starts to race as they pulled into the parking lot of the resort, it was past midnight when they finally arrived. “Do you think that anyone is still awake?”_

_“Clarke, it’s a school sponsored trip with little supervision, I’m sure everyone is still awake.”_

_“Okay, well, I will just leave my stuff here then and get it in the morning?” Clarke asked, torn between wanting to take her stuff and wanting to get to Bellamy._

_“I will take your stuff to my room that way you don’t have to go out in the snow and ice again” Raven answered. “Now go before you pass out from excitement.”_

_Clarke laughed in response as she hugged her best friend. She scrambled from the car, grabbing her crutches and tentatively making her way inside the resort. Bellamy hadn’t told her what room he was staying in and she wasn’t sure if the front desk person would tell her. So she stood in the lobby trying to figure out how to get to him, when she heard someone call her name._

_“Clarke Griffin, I thought that you were sitting this one out, how did you get all the way up here?”_

_Clarke grinned as she turned towards Murphy’s voice. He was slurring his words but definitely coherent enough to recognize her. “Looking for Bellamy, do you know what room he is in?”_

_“Room 145, down the hall and make a left, shouldn’t be too hard,” Murphy said as he pointed her in the direction of the room. “If you weren’t on painkillers, I would ask you to go for a drink.”_

_“Maybe next time, Murphy!”_

_Clarke didn’t wait for a response as she made her way down the hall towards Bellamy’s room. She found it quicker than she thought with Murphy’s directions. She was sure he had it backwards in his inebriated state. She took a deep breath, knocked on the door, and waited for him to open._

_“Murphy, I swear to god if you don’t leave us alone…” Bellamy stopped mid-sentence, unable to finish the thought as the door swung open. “Clarke?”_

_Clarke stood there frozen, staring at the scene in front of her. Bellamy was standing in the doorway with his hair a mess, shirt gone, and jeans undone, slung low on his hips. Something behind him caught her eye. causing her to look past him into the room. Clarke felt herself take a step back putting weight on her bad leg causing her to cry out in pain._

_“Clarke!”_

_“Don’t you dare fucking touch me,” Clarke spat out, throwing her hands up to block him. “It’s over...we’re over.”_

_“C’mon Clarke, you didn’t really think this was going to last forever...did you?” Bellamy asked shaking his head, not meeting her eyes. “We were nothing more than a high school fling.”_

_Clarke couldn’t feel the pain in her leg anymore...she couldn’t feel anything as the numbness took over her body. She wasn’t even aware of the tears that were streaming down her face as she slowly backed away. She wasn’t going to survive if she continued listening to him, she needed to find Raven and go home…_

Clarke felt strong arms wrap around her, pulling her close as a sob ripped from her throat. Raven had done the same thing, when she had finally made it to her room. She remembers stopping her from killing Bellamy that night. 

“Clarke, I’m so sorry. I..uh...we don’t have to go,” Zeke mumbled against her hair. “I didn’t mean to bring up the past like that, for you.”

“I attempted to change the RSVP response, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. Maybe enough time has passed and we can talk about it...get some closure.”

“Okay.”

“Thank you,” Clarke said, as she hugged him for a few moments longer. She pulled herself from his embrace, untangling her arms from him and smiled. Clarke strangely felt better after telling him the story of her first love, but there was still more to the story. She sighed heavily, not ready to expose him to that pain right now. One story at a time. 

“Anytime. We need to find you a dress and make him jealous,” Zeke said with a wink.

Clarke just rolled her eyes and stood without responding, not wanting to encourage him and whatever plan he was formulating in his head. She was almost certain that nothing was going to make Bellamy jealous or drive him crazy either. You couldn’t make someone jealous if they didn’t care about you in the first place; and Bellamy definitely didn’t care about her.

* * *

Bellamy had left the restaurant without looking back. It was nice catching up with Raven, but dredging up the past put him in a foul mood. He needed to get a drink and could think of only one place open this early. Bellamy held his hand out to hail a cab, gave the address of the bar to the man and ignored his judging looks. He didn’t give a shit what the man was thinking, he just needed a drink.

Bellamy got out of the cab after paying and briskly walked towards the flashing open sign of Old Man Hustle. He sighed as he sat down and waited for the bartender to turn around. Despite his foul mood, he couldn’t help but smile as his friend turned around.

“Bellamy, what brings you here so early? Wedding stressing you out?” Murphy asked, a mocking grin on his face. “I mean, Octavia is a lot to handle normally...I can’t imagine wedding planning.”

“It’s Clarke.”

“Now that’s a name I haven’t heard from you in a long time. What does she have to do with anything?”

“O invited her to the wedding and she replied with a plus one,” Bellamy explained.

“Ouch man, that one has got to hurt just a little bit,” Murphy sympathized. “Does she know?”

“Who, Octavia?”

“Yeah, man, Octavia,” Murphy answered, “the stunt was for Clarke, but did you ever tell O?”

“I think, if she knew the truth, she would’ve disowned me a long time ago,” Bellamy told his friend. “Forget the past...I need a drink.”

Bellamy watched as his friend grabbed the strongest whiskey and poured a double shot. He tossed it back and felt the burn travel down his throat. 

“Keep that coming,” Bellamy demanded, downing a second one as the burn lessened. As he continued downing shots, he talked to Murphy about the wedding and current events going on, not mentioning Clarke again.

“Buddy, I think that you’ve had enough for today,” Murphy said, refusing to pour another drink. “I think it might be time to call Octavia.”

Bellamy just nodded his head, agreeing to whatever his friend said. He was pleasantly numb and didn’t feel a damn thing. Bellamy pulled out his phone to text his sister but couldn’t seem to make the keys work. He just handed the phone over to Murphy, hoping that he would understand what he was saying without words.

“Hey, big brother,” Octavia said as she sauntered into the bar. “How are you feeling?”

Bellamy didn’t respond as he slid off the stool, barely catching himself as he tripped over his feet. Octavia grabbed his arms, pulling one over her shoulder, turning towards Murphy. “You let him get like this?” She accused giving him the death glare.

“He just needed to forget again, Octavia, just take him home,” Murphy explained. “He will be better in the morning.”

“Forget what?” 

“Just take him home, Octavia,” Murphy reiterated, ushering both of them towards the door.

Bellamy tossed his hand in the air, waving goodbye to no one in particular. He knew that Octavia was just biding her time, but soon the questions were going to fly at him. He was hoping that he could sober up a little, before he actually told her anything. “You’re going to tell me everything,” Octavia whispered as they climbed into the cab. It wasn’t a long drive to their apartment, but it was long enough to help some of the drunkenness wear off.

“What the fuck?” Octavia hissed, pushing him into the living room. “Tell me what is going on with you!”

“It’s nothing, O, just leave it alone. It’s better off left in the past anyway.” 

“Oh no, you’re going to explain why the mention of Clarke Griffin turns you into a drunken, blubbering mess! Then you are going to actually tell me the truth of why things ended,” Octavia spat. “You have been lying to me for years, time’s up, Bell!”

Bellamy looked at her like a deer caught in the headlights, unsure if he was actually hearing her correctly or not. “How much do you know?” Bellamy asked, not wanting to give away any more than he had to right now.

“I know enough...start talking.”

Bellamy closed his eyes in an attempt to ward off the memories that were beginning to surface. He tried to take a deep breath, but could only manage a shallow one, with the weight of the truth constricting his lungs. “If I tell you the truth then you let it go, promise?” Bellamy asked, finally meeting his sisters eyes. 

“Bellamy, _what_ happened?”

Bellamy knew he was never going to get his sister to commit to such a promise without the whole truth. She knew enough that she could call him out on his lies. He felt himself drift into the past as he began to tell her the truth…

_Bellamy trotted down the stairs after leaving Clarke to study for her chemistry final. He didn’t want to argue with her anymore and found it way more appealing to just agree with her than fight. He had just reached the bottom of the stairs when a hand touched his shoulder._

_“Bellamy, do you have a minute?”_

_“Yeah, Mrs. Griffin, I was just on my way out but I’m not in a hurry. Did you need my help?” Bellamy asked, turning to look at her._

_“I wanted to talk with you in the study,” Abby said, motioning for him to follow her._

_Bellamy felt like something was off and that whatever she wanted to talk about wasn’t going to be good. But he followed her into the study._

_“Bellamy, I want you to end things with Clarke.”_

_Bellamy stopped in his tracks just inside the doorway. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Griffin, but what did you just say?” He asked feeling as though he stepped into a game show._

_“Bellamy, you’re a nice young man but you’re not right for Clarke. She had dreams and aspirations to go into medical school, then you came along and suddenly she wants to pursue art. I heard about your acceptance to the local community college. Now she wants to follow you there.”_

_“I never told her to stop pursuing medicine and I definitely didn’t ask her to follow me anywhere. Those are her choices, not mine,” Bellamy fumed, attempting to keep his temper in check._

_“Clarke deserves someone who is going to challenge her in ways that you’re just not able to do. You’re from different worlds,” Abby offered as a way of explaining her decision. “I’ll pay you.”_

_“Don’t you think that Clarke should get to decide what she wants or what she deserves?” Bellamy spat back. “I don’t want your money. I won’t end things...I love her.”_

_“Fine. End it or I cut her off. You’ll watch as every dream she ever had vanishes,” Abby threatens. “She will hate you for ruining her life. She will despise you for it. She will end up leaving you in the end. At least, this way you have the power.”_

_Bellamy stands there in shock, rendered completely speechless by the audacity of his girlfriend’s mother. This felt like some terrible dream and he hoped he would wake up soon, but the look of pure hatred fixated on him said otherwise._

_Bellamy turns, without another word, and leaves the house unable to catch his breath. He feels his entire body shaking with so many emotions, it’s hard to determine which one is strongest. He bangs his fist against the steering wheel as the frustration gets the better of him and a broken sob erupts from his throat. He sat there, feeling his soul leave his body through the liquid streaming down his cheeks._

_Bellamy knew there was only one choice for him to make, even though it killed him to do it. He wasn’t sure exactly how to handle the situation because Clarke would never accept him ending things. He had to shatter her heart along with his, for this to actually work._

“Bellamy, what the actual fuck!?” Octavia screeched, causing him to cover his ears. 

“Fucked up, huh?” Bellamy laughed, coldly. “What else do you know?”

“Raven and I devised a plan to get her to the ski trip, where she found you cheating on her. You were a dick and I never saw her again.” 

“Yeah, about that…”

_Bellamy overheard Octavia talking with Raven about getting Clarke to the ski trip, without either of them knowing. He knew that this was his chance to end things with Clarke, for good. He just needed a couple people to play along and then it would be over. She would move on and he would become the biggest dick in the world._

_Bellamy called the only person he knew that would even be willing to go through with his plan. “Hey, Murphy, I need a favor or two,” Bellamy stated when the line picked up._

_“This should be good,” Murphy said with a laugh. “But you’ll owe me.”_

_“You don’t even know what I’m going to ask.”_

_“Don’t need to know, just know that you’ll owe me.”_

_Bellamy couldn’t believe he was going to owe John Murphy, but he needed this to happen with no questions asked. “Okay,” Bellamy agreed. He would do whatever it took to end it. Bellamy went over his master plan to which John said nothing other than “I got you” and in a few weeks, it would all be done._

_“You’re sure about this? What if you just told her the truth man?”_

_“No, I’m not sure, at this point I feel I lose her either way. At least, this way it’s on my terms.”_

_“Whatever you say, man.”_

_Bellamy hung up the phone without another word, there was nothing left to say. He was going to ruin his life for the sake of hers and nothing was going to stop him._

“BELLAMY!!! How could you do that to her!?” Octavia shouted, standing up from the table and starting to pace. “How could you lie to her...to me...to _everyone_!?”

“I did what I thought was best at the time, O,” Bellamy simply explained. “I was just a teenage boy who saw no way out. No matter what way it went...I lost everything.”

“You’re a coward, Bellamy,” Octavia declared. “You could’ve fought for her, but you didn’t. You ran away and hid in the corner, then lied about it.”

“O…”

"You know, I felt _guilty_ about inviting her because it would hurt you,” Octavia started. “But now, I don’t regret a damn thing. You deserve every ounce of pain that seeing her happy will bring you. I can’t believe you could be so cruel.”

Bellamy didn’t try to stop her as she stormed off towards her room. He deserved her anger and her words. She finally knew the truth of what happened between him and Clarke. Bellamy stood up from the table, making his way back to his room and the cold bed that waited for him. His head was starting to pound as the alcohol left his system but nothing compared to the ache he felt deep inside his heart… that pain was never going to go away.

* * *

Clarke let out a soft sigh as she stretched her arms above her head, feeling a smile take over her face. She had been working for a long time and finally finished the commission she had been working on. She was done a day early, but would send for the courier to come get it and take it to the customer. Clarke felt like she could breathe again and could spare a minute or two. She got up from the stool and went in search of the coffee she could smell coming. She smiled at the cup sitting on the table, waiting for her.

“Finally ready to take a break?” Shaw asked her. “I mean you’ve been in there for a while.”

“Well, if you had tempted me with coffee earlier then I would’ve been out here sooner,” Clarke teased. “And no break, I am officially done with this commission.”

“Lie to someone else, Griffin,” Shaw said with a laugh. “Congrats on the completion, but I think it’s time you go shopping with Raven when she gets done with work.”

“Do I have to go?” Clarke said, with a pout. “I would much rather have you teach me how to cook again.”

“Yeah, I’m not letting you anywhere near the kitchen again...so shopping it is. Besides, you definitely need a dress for this weekend.”

Clarke’s eyes turned into giant saucers and her heart dropped into the pit of her stomach.“Shit, I completely forgot about it being this weekend,” Clarke said. She took a deep breath, trying to think of a place she could find a dress on short notice that wouldn’t be completely hideous. 

“Oh yeah, it’s definitely this weekend. At least, if you go now, then you’ll have time for any alterations.”

“How on earth do you know so much about dress shopping, Shaw?” Clarke asked failing to keep the smile from her face. “It’s like you were a girl in another life.”

“I have three sisters, Clarke, not really that hard to figure out dresses,” Zeke deadpanned. 

“Whatever you say,” Clarke responded. “When is she coming home?”

Clarke heard the front door slam shut, before her friend came rushing into the area, as if she was summoned from their conversation alone. “Speak of the devil…”

“And she shall appear,” Shaw concluded. 

“Jesus, Rae, were your ears burning or something?” Clarke asked, taking in her friends disheveled appearance. “Or is there a fire we don’t know about?”

“Well, aren’t you two just cozy together making jokes and having a good time, but remember who is doing who a favor, Clarke.”

“Okay I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make jokes,” Clarke apologizes, wrapping her friend in a tight hug. “However, your boyfriend started it!”

“Traitor!”

Clarke skated out of the room laughing all the way down the hall as she listened to the two bickering. She shook her head, gathering the things she needed to make the dress shopping a success, and maybe get lunch while they were out. 

“Clarke Griffin, if you’re not out here in five minutes, then I’m putting you in whatever dress I find first!” Raven calls from the living room, prompting Clarke to race back down the hall. “Told you that she would come running.”

Clarke rolled her eyes as she came to a stop in front of the duo. “Let’s go,” Clarke said as she pushed her friend towards the door. “I don’t have all day.”

“Have fun you two!” Shaw said as he waved goodbye to them. “Don't kill each other!”

Clarke laughed as she watched Raven flip him off as they walked out the door to the elevator. She might not want to go dress shopping but she was going to love getting to spend some much needed quality time with her best friend. She had been cooped up in the apartment finishing the commission and she wanted to go outside for some much needed fresh air.

* * *

Bellamy sat in the waiting area of the bridal shop, waiting for Octavia to come out for the final fitting. She had been gone for almost thirty minutes and he was bored out of his mind. He pulled out his phone to start scrolling through Facebook, when she finally decided to grace him with her presence.

“Well?” Octavia asked, practically floating into the room.

“I told you the last hundred times, the dress is stunning on you.”

Bellamy wasn’t lying when he told her she was drop dead gorgeous in her wedding dress. He had listened to her describe the dress so many times, he could practically recite it in his sleep. The dress was a tulle beaded ball gown, with a rhinestone-encrusted bodice, deep v-neckline with crisscross straps at the back, and full tiered tulle skirt. Bellamy wasn’t exactly sure what half of that meant but if it made her happy, then he was going to just go with it.

“You will always be beautiful to me, but that dress is the one,” Bellamy reassured her. “I mean, you cried when you first tried it on and looked in the mirror.”

“You’re right, Bell, this is definitely the dress,” Octavia said, swishing the skirt around. “Can you believe that this is really happening?”

Bellamy was silent for a moment, not wanting to break whatever spell had come over his sister. This was the longest conversation they had shared since the other night. Things had been strained between them, with her only talking to him when absolutely necessary. Most of their conversations happened via text and he was content just to listen to her voice. 

“Bellamy, are you even listening?”

“Yeah, sorry, I got lost for a second,” Bellamy startled. “No, I can’t believe this is actually happening, but this is something that you both deserve.”

“I know! And I think the best part is FINALLY getting out of that apartment with you,” Octavia practically hissed, breaking the calm that had descended between them. 

“O, c’mon-,” Bellamy whispered, reaching out to touch her arm but his sister jerked away. 

“No, Bell, you’re not getting away with what you did,” Octavia snapped. “I lost my best friend because my brother couldn’t fucking deal.”

“I said I was sorry, O, I never meant to hurt you, but I can’t go back and change the past,” Bellamy pleaded with his sister.

“You might not be able to change the past, but the least you can do is make it right. She deserves to know the truth about what happened: what her mother did and what you did.”

“Octavia, I can’t tell her about what her mother did all those years ago,” Bellamy chided. “She can continue hating me for what I did, but I won’t tarnish that relationship.”

“Are you even sure that she still has one with her? I mean, it’s not like she was the nicest of mothers and they always did have a strained relationship,” Octavia said, refusing to back down from this one. “I still think that she deserves the truth and for you to make it right.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore, O,” Bellamy whispered, lamely. “She has clearly moved on and I don’t need to be dredging up the past, so let’s leave it there.”

“Whatever, Bellamy. You’re still nothing more than a coward,” Octavia sneered, walking away before he could respond to her.

Bellamy shook his head watching her trail off the way that she had come. She was right but he wasn’t going to admit that to her because he could barely admit it to himself. Nothing he said was ever going to change the past, telling Clarke the truth now would do nothing but hurt her all over again. He just needed to leave everything in the past and try to move on with his life, like she did with hers.

* * *

Clarke felt herself on the verge of screaming in the middle of the dress shop and wanting to rip her hair from her scalp. She felt as if there wasn’t a dress she hadn’t tried on already and nothing was working in her favor. The dresses were either too short, too over the top, or just plain hideous on her. She was ready to just give up and go in leggings with a nice top.

“Last one, I promise,” Raven called from the other side of the door. 

“If it is anything like the last thousand, I don’t want it.”

“Stop being so over dramatic and try the damn dress on, Clarke,” Raven snapped back.

Clarke took a deep breath before she quickly opened the door and pulled the dress from her friend’s hand. She held the dress in front of her, admiring the flow of the material as it hung suspended in the air. She shook her head a little before slipping into the last dress she was going to put on for the day. She didn’t think finding a dress for a wedding was going to be this difficult, but then again, this wasn’t just any wedding. Bellamy was going to be at this wedding.

Clarke felt the silky material cascade down her body, sending shivers down her spine and goosebumps all over. She turned slowly to take in her reflection in the mirror and knew she had finally found the dress. She felt sexy and sophisticated in the floor length navy blue chiffon dress. It had off the shoulder straps, a sweetheart neckline with an a-line that flowed down her body, hiding her imperfections. There was a slit that went from almost the top of her hip to the floor. Normally, she wouldn’t want to have something this revealing but she couldn’t change the way she felt in this one. 

“I’m coming out,” Clarke called before taking one last look at her reflection.

“Too late for that--,” Raven started, but stopped the instant she saw Clarke. She shook her head in disbelief as her friend walked into the room. 

“Right!” Clarke exclaimed in understanding as her friend continued to stare at her in silence. This was the best dress that they had come across today. “I’m pretty sure the dark blue makes my eyes brighter and if I do my hair just right, it will be perfect.”

“I’m pretty sure that you could put your hair in a messy bun and no one would notice.” 

“Well then, I guess it is settled, let’s pay for this and get out of here,” Clarke said, turning back to the dressing room. “I think that I have seen enough dresses to last a lifetime and I need to get the courier to the house for the commission.”

“Speaking of the commission, did you ever find out who requested this one?” Raven asked.

“No, the gallery just said there was an email with a description and they requested it be done by me,” Clarke explained. “I will probably never know.”

“That doesn’t bother you that someone can just request a painting by you and not know whose hands it ends up in?”

“It’s no different than someone coming in randomly to the gallery and purchasing one of them” Clarke answered, paying for the dress in her hand. “How about lunch? Maybe we can head over to Emmett’s.”

Clarke watched as her friend visibly tensed at the statement she had made, but she wasn’t sure if it was the suggestion of lunch or the mention of the restaurant. “Everything okay, Raven?” Clarke questioned turning towards the door to leave and head for her car. 

“Yeah, everything is fine,” Raven brushed off the question but didn’t meet her eyes. “We can go there if you’re in the mood for pizza.”

“Who isn’t in the mood for pizza?” Clarke laughed out.

“You’re right. Let’s go.”

Clarke couldn’t place the sudden change that had come over Raven. She drove to the restaurant replaying their entire time in the dress shop. She didn’t think that she had said or done anything wrong but maybe it had nothing to do with her, and yet her friend’s demeanor completely changed from relaxed to tense. 

“I met Bellamy for lunch,” Raven blurted out. “Here, I met him for lunch here.”

Clarke froze. “What did you just say?” She couldn’t believe what she just heard come from her friend, but by the amount of guilt etched on her face, it was true. 

“I had lunch with him-,” Raven began, before she was cut off abruptly. 

“He lives _here_...in New York!?”

“I’m not exactly sure of his address but yes he lives here?” Raven said, one eyebrow raised in confusion. “Why is that so surprising to you, Clarke?”

“I don’t know, Raven. I guess I didn’t expect him to live here,” Clarke answered. “You know, close enough to have lunch in a moments notice”

“Octavia’s wedding is in Soho, Clarke,” Raven deadpanned. “Clearly you had to suspect something.”

“It’s Octavia! She has been talking about getting married in Soho since she was a freshman!”

“Well don’t you think that it would be a long way from home if they didn’t already live here?” Raven reasoned. “I mean, really, it’s absolutely normal for one to get married where they live, Clarke.”

Clarke stood there for a moment thinking about living so close to him, but never having run into him once. She was pretty sure she would recognize him on the spot, but then again it had been five years. 

“I guess I just thought if we lived this close, we would’ve ran into each other, eventually.” 

“Fate is a strange thing, my friend. Maybe you weren’t supposed to see him until this wedding invitation.”

Clarke just shook her head, smiling at her friends insistence on fate. Raven was one of the most brilliant minds she has ever seen, but her belief that fate determines one’s destiny never ceases to amaze her. “Let’s just eat and get home. Talk about fate and destiny can wait.”

* * *

Bellamy could feel the tightness pull at his muscles as the tension of the day settled deep in his bones. He tried to relieve some of the discomfort by rolling his shoulders, but nothing seemed to be working. He took his position at the end of the aisle, for what felt like the millionth time, because that is what his sister wanted. At this point, he was pretty sure she was torturing him on purpose.

“How many more times are we gonna do this, O?” 

“Until I’m happy that it is _perfect_ , Bell!”

Bellamy couldn’t hold back from rolling his eyes at her response because it was the same thing over and over again. 

“Listen, O, I know that you’re still mad and hurt about the other day, but don’t make the rest of them suffer because of it,” Bellamy pleaded, nodding his head towards everyone. “They don’t deserve it.”

Bellamy heaved a deep sigh as his sister blatantly ignored his request and continued their march towards the altar. He knew he was going to regret telling her the truth, but he never imagined that she would be this antagonistic towards him.

“My darling, my love, can this please be that last time for tonight?” Lincoln asked, attempting to conjoule his fiancee to end the madness. “This is perfect...you are perfect.”

Bellamy snorted at his future brother in laws attempt to get his sister to end the madness. “Ow, what the hell?” He turned to see the smile stretching across her face, reaching up to rub the spot she had pinched him.

“Sorry, Bell, didn’t mean to pinch you,” Octavia whispered, attempting and failing to hide her laugh.

Bellamy’s jaw clenched together to keep from responding to her childish actions. If he caused a scene, it would be just another thing she would hold against him for the foreseeable future. He listened quietly as everything was explained, in a somewhat shortened version of what tomorrow held. He was just thankful his role was small in comparison to the others.

“I think that is all we need for tonight.” 

Bellamy turned to leave as quickly as possible without actually running towards the back of the church. He was more than ready to go home to his bed and pass out until tomorrow. “Bell?” He stopped his move towards the exit at his sister’s call out to him. Bellamy took a deep breath before turning back to her.

“Yeah?”

“Can you hang back for a second?” Octavia asked. “I have something for you.”

“What? You didn’t have to get me anything, O.”

“Don’t worry, big brother, this was ordered _before_ I found out what a dick you are,” Octavia snapped. “If I could return it then I would but I can’t so…”

Bellamy was trying really hard to be patient with his sister, but comments like that make him want to let out his own rage. “Whatever, O. Keep it for yourself then, if that is how you really feel,``he snapped, turning to walk away from her.

“No, Bellamy just wait,”Octavia called out, as she walked to the front row of pews. 

Bellamy watched her pull a somewhat large package from against the bench. It was wrapped in simple brown paper with twine keeping it sealed. He let his curiosity get the better of him as he walked towards her. He took the package from her, gently pulling the string releasing the paper to reveal the gift below. 

Bellamy felt his breath catch in his throat as it started to close. The familiar sting of tears pricked at his eyes and blurred his vision slightly. “O, you did this?” He questioned turning his gaze from the painting to her face.

“No, I had it commissioned. You always talk about the sky, the stars, and the Colosseum,” Octavia explained. “I wanted to give you something beautiful to decorate the apartment once I’m gone.”

“Do you know who painted it?”

“Again, no, I don’t know who did it. I asked Murphy one night what to get you and he said he knew just the thing.”Octavia started. “I didn’t believe him at first but then this showed up and I knew he was right.”

Bellamy just stood there in stunned silence at her explanation of the painting in his hand. He can’t remember the last time he had seen something as beautiful as the painting he held. He wanted to run his fingers over it, but was afraid he would ruin the scene below. 

The Colosseum was bathed in moonlight that highlighted the architecture while casting shadows inside the arches. There were stars that splattered across the night sky making it look like diamonds were embedded in the paint. He searched the spattering of specs, finding a couple constellations. There was one that stood out against the rest. One that he could find in the night sky whenever it was the right time of year. Orion’s belt stood proudly over the colosseum walls as if being showcased in the center. His fingers ghosted over the corner where the artist’s signature usually sat but saw nothing and wondered who created this painting. 

“Thank you, O, this is beyond beautiful.”

“Don’t mention it.”

Bellamy pulled her close, hugging her tightly as a small piece of them fell back into place. Their relationship still wasn’t perfect, but he had more confidence in it getting better now. He gently kissed her cheek, before picking up the painting to head for home. He didn’t have anything more to say because he didn’t want to ruin this bittersweet moment. He waved his hand in the air as a goodbye to everyone as he crossed the threshold into the summer night.

* * *

Clarke took in a deep breath and blew it out as she took in her reflection, for the hundredth time. Her makeup was done simply with just enough mascara to enhance her blue eyes. She chose an even simpler hairstyle: half up with curls that dance across her shoulders and down her back. She smiled, looking at herself one more time to make sure that everything was perfect.

“Griffin, if you don’t get that skinny ass out here now, the wedding will be over before we make it there!”

“Shaw, stop being an ass!” Clarke yelled down the hallway as she made her way to the living room. “We have plenty of time to make it before the wedding starts.”

“In New York traffic, Clarke, I highly doubt-,” Shaw started, but words failed him as he turned to take in Clarke’s appearance.

Clarke suddenly felt self conscious as her friend looked at her with his mouth hanging open. “Pick your jaw up off the floor, Shaw, it’s not a good look on you,” she teased, with a laugh that she couldn’t seem to hold in, no matter how much she tried.

“Damn, Griffin.”

“Stop looking at her like that!” Raven said, smacking him in the shoulder. “Or you’re definitely not going.”

“Ow, not fair, Reyes!” Zeke exclaimed, rubbing his arm gently. “I mean, have you _looked_ at her?”

“Oh, will you two stop it?!” Clarke said, exasperated at their bickering. “Now who is going to make us late?!”

Clarke ducked quickly enough to avoid the pillows being tossed at her head. “Hey! You two don’t get to gang up on me. We need to go.” She told them both, laughing as she quickly walked out of the room before anymore pillows could be thrown her way. 

“Right on it, _Princess_ ,” Shaw calls out, following her into the hallway and nearly crashing into her back. “Jesus, Clarke, what the hell are you doing, stopping in the middle of the hall?”

Clarke felt her body go rigid against the all too familiar jest causing her skin to drain of color and her heart stutter against her ribcage. She knew that he hadn’t meant to call her that, nor did he know that it held so many memories, but it still didn’t stop the panic clawing its way through her body.

“I can’t do this,” Clarke whispered, as she turned around to return to her room. “I don’t know what I am doing. This isn’t a good idea. I...I…,”

“Clarke, calm down,” Shaw said, pulling her into his embrace. “Just breathe, okay? Take a deep breath. You can do this.”

Clarke listened to his soothing words as she felt herself calming against the storm that wanted to rage inside of her. “Thank you. I don’t know what came over me,” She lied. She knew but she wasn’t ready to tell him that simple words could bring so much pain.

“It’s okay, Clarke, whenever you’re ready, we can go or we can just stay home.”

Clarke just shook her head in response, hoping that he knew that she still wanted to go, she wasn’t sure that her voice was going to work properly. She watched him gather their things, ushering her towards the door.

It wasn’t long before they were parked in front of the church with more than enough time to slip inside and find a seat. Clarke took another deep breath before getting out of the car and walking to the otherside linking her arm with Shaw’s. Silently, they made their way into the church, finding a seat in the middle to help them blend in with the other guests.

Clarke took a moment to take in the beauty and architecture of the church. The sun was beaming in through the stained glass windows and flooded the room with color. Her fingers itched to paint the different jewel tones that colored the air like multifaceted diamonds. She continued to study her surroundings in awe, completely unaware of the people settling around her and the dull noise quieting to nothing. It wasn’t until Shaw nudged her to stand while nodding to the back of the church, where the doors had opened that she realized it was time as two figures stood in the doorway.

Clarke’s entire world stopped as their eyes connected for the first time in five years.

* * *

Bellamy started pacing the small room as he waited for his sister to finish getting settled into her dress. He noticed as the clock wound down the time, the ticking of the hands got louder and louder. He wasn’t exactly sure what made him more nervous: his baby sister getting married or seeing Clarke for the first time in years. He was pretty sure it was the latter. Tonight, he would have to own up to the horrible decision he made all those years ago and hope the girl he loved could love him back.

“Ready!”

Bellamy could feel the energy rolling off of her in waves, adding to his already nervous energy. He shook his head and rolled his shoulders, trying to dispel some of it, but not being very successful. “You ready to finally do this?” He asked as he linked their arms to head to the entrance of the church.

“Yes and no. I am ready to marry him, but I’m nervous to leave you.”

“O, you don’t have to worry about me,” Bellamy told her. “I promise I will be okay.”

Bellamy feels his heart start to pound against his ribcage as they get closer to the door, making him want to run in the other direction, but today wasn’t about him. He stopped in front of the door, taking a deep breath before turning to his sister. Her smile was painted a deep bright red and her eyes were lined and winged perfectly making her classic beauty stand out even more. He leaned in towards her, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek as the doors before them opened. 

Bellamy quickly straightened, turning his head towards the church, eyes instantly connecting with the deep cerulean ones that have haunted his dreams.

Bellamy stared in her direction, watching her movements as her hand darted out to grab the person next to her. He let his eyes travel over to the guest she was with...her plus one. Bellamy had to admit that her date was handsome. He pulled off the dark blue suit that matched her navy dress flawlessly, but it was her that made his heart stop beating. He didn’t think it was possible but she had grown to be more beautiful than the last time he had seen her. She now looked more like a queen than the princess he remembered. 

“Bell, its time.”

Bellamy tore his eyes away from Clarke’s and focused on walking down the aisle to give Octavia away. He followed the steps they had over-rehearsed the night before, making sure everything was perfect. He could feel her eyes boring a hole into his back, pressing between his shoulder blades, causing him to sweat a little bit more. It took every last bit of self control to not turn to her and watch her with the same intensity, but he remained facing forward and rolled his shoulders. 

Bellamy listened intently to what the priest asked of him and responded when necessary. He followed as best he could, but it was hard to hear everything with the blood rushing in his ears. The ceremony passed in a blur of words, none of which Bellamy could remember. He didn’t even realize it was over until everyone around him rose to their feet and clapped in celebration. He stood, when directed to by the wedding planner, to follow the bridal party out of the church. 

Bellamy couldn’t help one last look back, to where he knew she was, and felt his heart clench at the tears falling down her cheeks.

* * *

Clarke gently swept away the tears that tracked down her face. She had started crying the second the ceremony started. They stood with the rest of the guests and slowly made their way to the receiving line, she was in no way ready to face.

“You doing okay?” Shaw asked quietly.

Clarke just shook her head and squeezed his hand, she was still holding, a little tighter than probably appropriate, but she needed something to ground her. They moved together in complete silence letting the murmurs around them fill the void. Clarke felt that, in the blink of an eye, she was standing in front of Octavia, having ignored most of the bridal party.

“Congratulations,” Clarke whispered, hoping the crack in her voice was just in her head. “You look beautiful.”

Clarke watched a million emotions dance across the young girls face, sorrow being the most prominent one in her deep brown eyes. She felt her eyes starting to blur, as a new wave of fresh tears threatened to fall. Clarke just nodded her head, turning to move down the line, when she was pulled back quickly into Octavia’s embrace.

“I’m sorry,” Octavia mumbled against Clarke’s ear making her shiver. “I’m so sorry.”

Clarke wrapped her arms around her long lost friend, hugging her tighter, hoping to fend off the tears. She didn’t know what exactly the younger Blake was apologizing for exactly. She never told her what had happened between her and Bellamy. Clarke moved her eyes to meet Bellamy’s, a few people down from them. She saw the dark, brooding look take over his features and knew that he didn’t tell her either.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Octavia,” Clarke reassured her gently. “It was years ago and it’s over.”

Clarke felt the shake of her head in response, she wanted nothing more than to comfort her, but the guests behind her were getting impatient. “We can talk more later,” Clarke promised, turning to make her way down the line. She caught sight of Zeke, being the friendly person he is and talking to everyone like he hadn’t just met them. She rolled her eyes and moved further down the line. 

Clarke smiled politely at the remaining bridal party, that she greeted in her way out of the church, but before she was fully prepared, she was standing face to face with her past.

Clarke couldn’t breathe in the moment their eyes connected, he was close enough to touch but she knew that she wouldn’t touch him. It took everything she had within her to hold his gaze and she wouldn’t be the one to back down this time. Something in his eyes had changed from warm and inviting to nothing more than cold and distant. She was sure, had he been looking at someone other than her they would have been warm again. 

“You must be Bellamy,” Shaw said, putting his hand out in greeting. “Zeke Shaw, Clarke’s boyfriend.”

Clarke watched with a sick sort of satisfaction, knowing the interruption caused Bellamy to break contact first, making him move his attention off of her. She could feel the tension rolling off of him in waves, the only sign this was affecting him in anyway, and she relished in making him squirm. She smiled, for the first time since arriving at the church, leaning over to grab Shaw’s hand that Bellamy blatantly ignored.

“Let’s get out of here.”

Clarke could see the laughter dancing in Zeke’s eyes, as she pulled him back towards the car. “We have a reception to get to after all.” Clarke said, loud enough for Bellamy to hear but only looking at Shaw. She was starting to think that she was going to make it through the night as long as they kept up this ruse.

* * *

Bellamy watched her walk away from him, for a second time, but this was different. She didn’t have tears streaming down her face or the crutches hindering her escape, now she was laughing as she made her way down the stairs to their waiting car. Bellamy suddenly found it hard to breathe, as the aching pain stole the air from his lungs and held his heart in a crushing vise grip.

“Bell...it’s time for pictures,” Octavia called to him.

Bellamy turned around, blocking the painful sight from his eyes and plastering on a fake smile for her. He was dreading this moment from the start of the day; where he would have to pose for pictures and pretend that everything was okay, when in reality he was falling apart inside. Maybe this was the pain he deserved for his actions, seeing her happy was his punishment.

“Let’s get this over with, so we don’t keep the guests waiting,” Bellamy said, walking over to where everyone was standing. “Who knows what trouble they could get into.”

Bellamy didn’t know how to thank his sister for not dragging out the pictures, like he knew that she could’ve making them last for eternity. He climbed into the limo, behind everyone, as they made their way to the reception. Bellamy kept replaying the sight of Clarke Griffin smiling and laughing with someone who wasn’t him. 

“How are you doing?” Octavia asked, nudging his arm to get his attention.

“I will be fine. It’s nothing I can’t handle,” Bellamy answered. “And nothing I didn’t do to myself.”

“I get that, Bell, I really do. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still pissed at you, but I don’t want to see you in pain.”

“Let it go, O.” 

“I was just going to say you can cut out after the dances if you wanted,” Octavia explained.

Bellamy huffed in response to her statement, that was the last thing he needed: to leave early and have everyone pity him. He would much rather just stick it out to the end, consequences be damned. “I will be fine, O,” Bellamy whispered, before turning his head to the window to watch the buildings fly by in a blur.

The trip to the hotel was rather short and Bellamy couldn’t have been happier to exit the limo. He stretched his legs out as he walked to the side of the building. Normally, he wouldn’t be in a rush to pull the smokes from his pocket, but the stress of the day was starting to get to him. He took the first drag from his smoke, when someone joined him. He turned to see who it was and froze.

“Bellamy, right?”

“Zeke,” he acknowledged, quickly recovering and nodding his head to him. 

“I have to say Octavia is simply stunning. The whole thing was,” Zeke complimented. “I think my favorite part was getting to watch the light dance in Clarke’s eyes,” he goaded.

“Must’ve been a sight to see.” 

“I think, the better sight is going to be watching her paint it when we get home.”

Bellamy felt his jaw tighten and his eyes narrow at the man’s statement. He didn’t know much of what happened with Clarke after things ended. He felt his heart warm slightly at the news that she didn’t give up on her talent as an artist. 

“Is that what she does for work?” Bellamy couldn’t help but ask. 

“She works for a gallery near here,” Zeke said, thinking of the name. “Eden Fine Art Gallery.”

Bellamy choked on the inhale of his cigarette at the mention of the gallery in Soho. “Do you know how long?” He asked, attempting to get his breath back. 

“For as long as I’ve known her.”

Bellamy couldn’t believe what he was hearing from the guy dating his ex-girlfriend. He didn’t know that she lived in Soho or that she worked at _the_ gallery that he frequented. “You’re sure that is the name of the gallery?” Bellamy asked again, for clarification, shaking with the need to know the answer.

“I think I know where my girlfriend works,” Zeke said with a hint of frustration.

Bellamy tossed his cigarette and turned on his heel, without a second thought or glance back at the man. There was only one person in this goddamn place that was going to give him the answers he needed. He strode into the reception area, looking for the weasely little bastard he called a friend, finding him beside the bar nursing a drink.

“Murphy,” Bellamy growled, gripping his shoulder and turning him around.

“Well hello to you too there, buddy,” Murphy said, his trademark smirk taking over his face.

“Did you know?” 

“Gonna have to be a little more specific there, Blake, did I know what?”

“That Clarke worked at Eden,” Bellamy snapped. He was tired of playing games.

“Now, how could I have known that when I haven’t seen her since your little stunt,” Murphy supplied with a twist of his lips. “It’s not like I would’ve kept tabs on her or remained friends with her, that was Raven’s job.”

“You’re an ass, Murphy.” 

Bellamy didn’t stick around for the response that was going to come from his asshole of a friend. Based on that small conversation, Murphy knew exactly where she worked and he sent him there on purpose. Bellamy never understood the need or the draw to frequent the gallery but something kept calling to him. Now he understood it all. It was her artistry that had him returning and pacing the small section that had to be her work.

* * *

Clarke stood by watching the exchange between Bellamy and Murphy, wondering what exactly had the former so rattled. She could only imagine what trouble Murphy was causing, because that’s just who he was. “John Murphy, what on earth did you do to him?” She asked, standing behind him at the corner of the bar.

“Why, Clarke Griffin, how could you possibly assume that I am the problem?” Murphy turned to her grinning like the cat that ate the canary. “I am not the one to blame here.”

“I highly doubt that one, Murphy,” Clarke laughed, wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him. “Now spill it.”

“So bossy,” Murphy teased, returning her hug. “I may or may not have failed to mention a certain artist works for a certain gallery in Soho.”

Clarke pulled back slightly from their embrace to look him in the eyes when she asked her next question. “Why would it matter?”

“I think that is something for you to ask him.”

Clarke frowned at his response to her question that gave her nothing but more questions. She was almost certain that she was missing something. Bellamy shouldn’t care where she worked or what she did for a living, but judging on the heated conversation with Murphy, he definitely cared more than he should. 

“I think that conversation is long overdue, don’t you?” Murphy asked, softly.

“I don’t think it matters anymore.”

Murphy just shrugged taking another sip of the amber liquid in his glass. “You know it matters more than you’re willing to admit,” he said, calling her out on her bullshit rebuff.

“I think I need to find my boyfriend. Murphy, it was good to see you, as always.”

Clarke watched as a knowing look passed across his face, again. He knew that she was lying but this time he didn’t call her out. He just nodded, pointing in the direction of where Shaw was standing, searching the room for her. She waved her hand in a small goodbye and went off to join Shaw in the hunt for their table.

“Did you find what you’re looking for, Shaw?” Clarke whispered, as she came up behind him.

“I think I have, Griffin,” Shaw responded, turning to grab her by the waist. “Where have you been?”

“Talking to an old friend. Did you happen to find out table in your search for me?” Clarke asked, trying not to laugh at the stern expression on his face. “I mean, you were looking pretty hard.”

“I wanted to make sure that you were okay,” Shaw stated, concern coloring his voice. “I ran into Bellamy and I mentioned the gallery. He practically ran away from the conversation. I needed to know you were okay.”

“I am okay, but I think I am going to need to find him eventually,” Clarke said, softly.

“Okay, I will find our seats and you find him.”

Clarke nodded her agreement to him as they parted to go their separate ways. She knew he didn’t really want her to confront him. She didn’t even really want to confront him but she needed this to end. However, as she turned to start her search for him, the DJ asked all the guests to find their seats, as the bridal party officially arrived. Clarke sighed heavily, making her way back to Shaw, who had found their seats. She would have to wait a little bit longer for the confrontation that was five years in the making.

* * *

Bellamy was starting to think karma was out to get him or maybe his luck had officially run out. He wanted to think it was a joke as he double checked the card in his hand with the table number clearly displayed in the center pieces. He thought Octavia had been punishing him earlier, but that was nothing compared to the torture she was putting him through now. His eyes slowly made it around the table looking at each face until his brown eyes found the ice blue pair.

“Bellamy! Looks like you’re with us,” Shaw started wrapping his arms around Clarke. “See, I told you we weren’t at the misfit table.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that one,” Bellamy mumbled. “Octavia knows how to hold a grudge.”

Bellamy took his seat across from Clarke, ignoring the look of confusion at his statement. He didn’t need to explain anything to her or anyone else here. He needed to make it through dinner and a couple of the dances and then, he could get the hell out of here. He turned to watch the wedding party and the couple enter the room to take their seats at the front.

“So, how is everyone doing tonight?” Shaw asked, attempting to break the tension that settled over the table. 

Bellamy just shrugged off the question refusing to answer and tuned out the answers of those around him. He didn’t really care about anyone else at the table but the person currently avoiding his gaze. 

“Octavia looked absolutely beautiful,” Clarke said, quietly to the table. “Everything is stunning and perfect.”

Bellamy couldn’t help but stare at her as she spoke to those around them. She still wasn’t looking at him, he knew it was deliberate on her part. He wanted her to turn her focus towards him again, even if it was only for a few seconds. 

“O and Lincoln worked really hard on the wedding,” Bellamy responded in an attempt to get her attention. “They planned everything, especially the seating chart, that took days.” His second statement did the trick and brought her focus back to him. He could still read her like an open book as different emotions danced across her face.

“So I’m guessing our arrangements were not coincidence then?” Shaw questioned.

“Not at all.” 

Bellamy watched as realization dawned on her face that this was a deliberate set up. He had counted on the confused expression, but the water pooling in her eyes wasn’t something he expected. He watched as she leaned over towards her date, whispering something to him. 

“I, uh, I need a minute,” Clarke choked out, getting up from the table to leave the reception. “Please, excuse me.”

Bellamy looked over to Zeke, who’s eyes had narrowed at him as though he had said something offensive. “Clarke-,” He called after her as he got up to follow her out of the room. He had just rounded the table, when a hand on his arm stopped him.

“Just let her go,” Shaw whispered. “She’ll be back.”

Bellamy shrugged off the hand still holding his arm, unsure if he should listen to the stranger, but in the end decided to go back to his seat. He knew this wasn’t his place to comfort her anymore and that her boyfriend probably knew her better than him. He just needed to stick to his plan of staying for dinner and dances, then getting out of this hell he found himself in.

* * *

Clarke made her way out into the warm summer night, in an attempt to keep the walls from closing in on her. She didn’t know how to take anything going on or why Octavia would put her with Bellamy at the same table. Clarke could feel herself starting to panic at the idea of going back in there to sit across from him and act as though nothing had ever happened between them. She started to pace the length of the balcony to keep herself calm, when she heard someone come up behind her. 

“I will be fine, Shaw, I just needed a minute.”

“I’m sure you will be, but I needed a smoke.”

Clarke turned around to see Murphy, standing there with a cigarette dangling from his mouth and a lighter poised in his hand. She smiled slightly at the familiar sight of him and his rebel without a cause attitude that she knew was nothing more than an act. 

“So when are you going to talk to dark and broody over there at the first table?”

“Probably never,” She huffed out, still flustered at their seating arrangements. “Murphy, you’ve stayed in contact with the Blakes, why would O put me at a table with him?”

“To torture him,” Murphy bluntly stated, taking a drag from his cigarette, blowing a puff of smoke away from them. “I mean, it is her favorite past time.”

“Him or me?”

“Oh, it’s definitely to torture him,” Murphy said with a laugh. “And who knows, maybe one day she will actually forgive him.”

“Forgive him for what, Murphy?” Clarke asked giving him a confused look. He wasn’t making any sense to her and she definitely hated being out of the loop. “What’s the big secret everyone seems to be hiding from me?”

“How’s your mom, Clarke?”

Clarke was taken aback at the abrupt change in subject, unsure of why he was asking about her. He only ever met her a handful of times. “I did something she didn’t agree with and haven’t talked to her since,” She explained giving the short version of the sordid tale. 

“Interesting,” Murphy muttered as he snubbed out his cigarette. “Better get back inside before we miss the food.”

Clarke watched him walk away, back into the reception and disappear. She stood there in silence, taking in the second strange conversation with Murphy tonight. Clarke could feel a relative calmness come over her allowing her to go back to the table. She took a deep steadying breath and marched back to her seat. She smiled at Shaw, who was sitting there patiently waiting for her and avoided the curious eyes still watching her. 

“Everything okay?”

“Fine as it’s going to get,” She said, sitting down before reaching over to grip his hand under the table. “How much longer until dinner?”

“We should be next.”

Clarke didn’t bother to respond, not trusting her voice to talk to him directly. She was almost positive that the table could feel the tension surrounding them, but no one was willing to acknowledge it. Clarke was relieved when the waiter came to their table next. If people were eating, there was less chance of conversation. She felt her stomach growl at the sight of the food set down before her and almost let a groan of appreciation slip from her lips. 

“So, Bellamy, what do you do for a living?”

Clarke gritted her teeth in order to hold back from kicking Shaw under the table for his stupid question. She knew Bellamy was going to answer the question but she wasn’t so sure she wanted to know the answer. 

“I’m a history teacher,” Bellamy simply stated. “And you?”

“I work in aerospace and thermal engineering” Shaw responded with a wink. “I have a thing for coding.”

Clarke felt her stomach drop to the floor as the answer Shaw had given registered on Bellamy’s face. She watched his head cocked a little to the left, indicating that he was suspicious of the man sitting next to her. Clarke kicked her leg out to meet Shaw’s shin, bringing his attention back to her. She attempted to communicate to him that he needed to stop talking but he just returned a confused stare to her. 

“Is that so, Zeke?” Bellamy asked with a smirk covering his face. “Never would’ve imagined Clarke with someone who had a ‘thing’ for coding.”

“People change, Bellamy,” she defended as heat crept into her cheeks. “They change all the time. You did.”

“Not you, Princess,” Bellamy laughed out, shaking his head slightly. “Definitely not you.”

Clarke wanted to throw something at his stupid face. He sat there, smiling at her with an all knowing look in his eyes. The tables had suddenly turned and they were no longer in her favor, giving her the upper hand. Clarke knew he didn’t believe she was dating the man sitting next to her. She was thinking of ways she could continue with the lie but was coming up empty with one exception. However, she had promised Raven a long time ago to never kiss her boyfriend again.

* * *

Bellamy studied Clarke as all of her exposed ivory skin flushed pink and couldn’t help the soft chuckle that escaped him. Bellamy felt his confidence start to grow within him at her attempt to fool him. He was about to ask her to go and talk with him but was interrupted by the DJ.

“Could everyone please give their attention to the bride and groom as they have their first dance?”

Bellamy turned to watch his baby sister take the dance floor with her husband. He had to agree with everyone that she was stunning and with Lincoln on her arm, she was practically glowing. Bellamy watched them twirl around the dance floor, completely engrossed in each other and felt a small pang of jealousy. He had to fight the urge to turn and look at the person he knew was directly behind him. 

“Let’s hear it for the bride and groom! Now onto the next dance, will the brother of the bride come to the floor?”

Bellamy had to refrain from rolling his eyes as he made his way to the dance floor in front of him. He looked at his sister, smiling slightly as he took her hand and the song that started brought tears to the corners of his eyes. Frank Sinatra started singing _The Way You Look Tonight_ , bringing all the memories of practicing for this moment with her. He didn’t think she would actually have this as their dance at her wedding.

“Really, O?”

“I told you it was going to be this song,” Octavia said beaming up at him. “Do you remember dancing to this song?”

“I don’t think I could ever forget those days, O,” Bellamy replied. “You definitely are an old soul.”

“How is it going at your table, Bell?”

“You torturing me maybe a blessing in disguise,” He said as he continued to twirl her around the dance floor. “They're not together, at least not in the way they’re trying to portray.”

“How do you know?”

“He’s an engineer,” Bellamy said trying not to laugh. “And he has a thing for coding.”

“Why’s that so funny?”

“Clarke is not the type to date an engineer, especially one who loves coding,” He said with a smirk. “Raven, on the other hand, would love to be with someone who is as like minded as she is.”

“People change, Bell, she could have fallen for his charismatic nature.”

“People change, yes, but not Clarke,” He winked, feeling like a weight had been lifted off of him. “She swore to never date anyone like Raven because she could only handle one brain like hers.” 

“So you’re assuming?” Octavia questioned, disbelief still coloring her tone.

Bellamy just shrugged his shoulders, not wanting to defend his reasoning as the song came to a close. He kissed his sister on the cheek and whispered, “You look gorgeous, O,” before walking off the dance floor and back to his table. His gaze collided with Clarke’s and he couldn’t help the smile that took over his face.

“So Clarke, you work at Eden, right?” Bellamy bluntly asked feeling more confident since her _boyfriend’s_ slip.

“Y-yes, I do,” Clarke stammered, unsure of why he wanted to know. “Why?”

“Do you know who created the exhibit ‘Lost Boy’? The artist is anonymous and they’re not for sale.”

Bellamy watched the color drain from her face as her eyes snapped up to meet his with a panicked look. He knew instantly that she was the one who had created his favorite exhibit. The one he would visit every time he got the chance, hoping for a new addition to the ones hanging on the gallery walls.

“I don’t think that artist wants to be known, that’s why it’s left anonymous,” Clarke explained. “Artwork is personal, unless it’s commissions, there are a million reasons why it’s not for sale.”

“So, is it a commission?”

“No, that work is personal for the artist,” Clarke said, breaking eye contact with him. “Why do you ask?”

Bellamy thought about the different answers that he could give her as to why he had all of these questions. He was struggling to settle on the perfect response to her question, when it hit him like a dart in a bullseye.

“I would like to meet the creator of my favorite exhibit that I visit weekly.”

* * *

Clarke slammed her eyes against the pain crashing over her the moment the words left his mouth. She gripped the edge of the table, trying to ground herself to the present, instead of being thrown back into the past. Clarke shook her head, trying to push the tears back and took a few steadying breaths, before turning to Shaw. He was looking at her like she was crazy and, maybe she was because she thought this was a good idea.

“I need to get out of here. I need to leave. I’m sorry but I can’t.”

Clarke didn’t wait for a response from anyone as she fled the ballroom, ignoring all of the eyes watching her and Shaw calling after her. She quickly made her way to the street, looking for a cab that would take her away from it all. Zeke could make his own way home from this stupid wedding reception, but she needed to get away before she lost it completely. Clarke threw one hand in the air and the other to her mouth and whistled through the night air. She ripped open the door to the first cab that stopped, before she could close the door, a set of hands gently slid her across the seat and joined her.

“57 Spring Street.”

Clarke sat there, mute, as she let Bellamy give an address she didn’t recognize, only to realize that it was his address. She opened her mouth to correct the cab driver, but the look he shot her made her close it just as quickly. She wasn’t going to be able to run from him a second time, so she decided to sit there quietly as they took the fifteen minute drive to his apartment.

“We need to talk, Clarke,” Bellamy whispered. “We can’t run from this anymore.”

Clarke kept her gaze glued to her lap as they made their way through the streets of New York, trying to prepare herself for his questions. Her heart was pounding against her ribcage as though she had ran a marathon. Clarke chanced a glance at him from the corner of her eye. She saw him staring out the window, fist pressed against his mouth and she was thrown by the familiarity of it. She could remember catching him doing this whenever he was thinking deeply or concentrating.

“Here you are.”

Clarke looked around for her purse to pay the driver, but realized she hadn’t taken it in her haste to leave the reception. She watched Bellamy pay, before reaching down to grab her hand as though he was afraid she wouldn’t follow him. She didn’t have much of a choice in the matter, she needed to face the past she had been running from for so long. 

“Let’s go.”

Clarke followed Bellamy out of the cab and up to his apartment. She barely registered the way to his loft as she attempted to quiet the panic rising within her. Clarke could feel it clawing its way from her stomach up through her chest, begging to be released from inside. She took a shuddering breath before she opened her eyes to find him staring at her own. 

“Clarke…,” Bellamy began. 

“Don’t,” Clarke cut him off, unsure where he was going to start. “I will tell you anything but I won’t talk about the collection.”

“Can’t or won’t.”

“Both.” 

“Fine,” Bellamy conceded, motioning for her to follow as he walked toward his couch, “but then where do we start?”

“Start with why you cheated.”

“I’m gonna need something to drink before we go down that road, whiskey?” Bellamy asked, before getting up to retrieve his decanter and glasses. “How’s your mother?”

“I wouldn’t know, Bellamy, I haven’t talked to her in five years,” Clarke explained, confused at his question. She saw something close to shock flash briefly in his eyes, as though he hadn’t expected that answer. “Stop avoiding the truth.”

“Why, Clarke?” Bellamy asked. “What happened?”

“I did something she couldn’t get past and she disowned me.”

Clarke watched a paleness seep into his skin as the color drained from his face. She waited for him to continue, but he couldn’t even look at her anymore. All of the cocky demeanor from earlier vanished. 

“Bellamy, why does it matter?” She asked, trying to get his attention as he downed the entire glass of whiskey. “Answer me!”

Clarke sat there, waiting for an answer, for what felt like years. She was looking at him, trying to read the expression on his face for some small clue, but found nothing. 

“Bell…”

“What did you do?”

“It doesn’t matter,”

“Clarke, what did you do?”

“I don’t want to talk about it!” Clarke yelled. “I came here for answers, closure to a past that still haunts me, but you want to talk about my mother?! Forget it, I’m done, this was a mistake.”

Clarke stood to leave, not wanting to sit here and dredge up the reason her mother disowned her. She could feel the tears starting to fall down her cheeks, unable to hold them back any longer. Clarke was almost to the door when his words froze her to the spot with her hand poised in the air reaching for the door handle. 

“Abby gave me two options the night you convinced me to go on the ski trip: end our relationship or you lose everything.”

* * *

Bellamy wanted to throw the glass he was holding against the wall as anger burned deep within him. He set the glass down on the table before he could. Bellamy stood, making his way across the loft to where she was still standing, frozen from the weight of his words. 

“I’m sorry but I don’t get it,” Bellamy grumbled, pulling her hand from the door. “I did what she wanted and you still ended up with nothing.”

“Bellamy…”

“No, Clarke! You don’t get to defend her or make excuses,”he shouted, cutting off her attempt to speak. “I lost everything and for what? Her daughter to still become the artist and she disowned you anyway. Doesn’t seem fair to me.”

“You know nothing of loss, Bellamy,” Clarke uttered, turning her anger towards him. “You don’t get to cheat on me, end it all, because of some ultimatum she gave you, then tell me it’s not fair to you.”

“I never cheated.”

“Excuse me? I was there, Bellamy,” Clarke argued and pulled her hand away. “I saw you with some girl and you had the audacity to say ‘we were nothing more than a high school fling’ but that was a lie, right?”

“It was a _lie_ , Clarke,” he implored as he reached for her again. “I was going to lose you either way, at least this was on my terms.”

“Your terms? Fuck you, Bellamy,” Clarke fumed, pulling further away from him. “You’re worse than a liar, you’re a damn coward.”

“I found out about the plan Raven and O concocted to get you up to the ski lodge,” Bellamy blurted. He wanted her to hear his fucked up plan, maybe if she knew everything, it wouldn’t hurt so damn much. “I called the one person I knew would help me and not ask questions. I just had to owe him one.”

“Who would be that cold hearted?” Clarke questioned, when everything fell into place, knocking the wind out of her. “ _Murphy_.”

Bellamy watched as the puzzle pieces all fit together in her mind. It was a beautiful thing to see her brain work out all the stages of his plan. She still knew him better than anyone else. 

“Murphy guided you to my room. His girlfriend was with me on the inside. I knew you were coming before the knock ever came.”

“Why? Bellamy, why didn’t you tell me?” 

“I didn’t see another way out. If I told you, you wouldn’t have believed me and I lost you. Your mom said you would lose everything if I stayed with you. Eventually, you would’ve ended up hating me for ruining your life and I lost you anyway.”

“That wasn’t your decision to make!” Clarke cried, her hand clutching her stomach. She could feel the ridges of the scar through her dress abruptly making her sick. “Bathroom?”

Bellamy stared at her in confusion for a brief moment, before she took off in search of her destination without him. He flinched as he heard the bathroom door slam shut and then, the sounds of Clarke getting sick. Bellamy was missing something and that something was going to break him, he could feel it in his bones. He followed her steps to the closed door resting his head against the coolness of the wood. 

“Clarke…,” he croaked out. “Are you okay?”

Bellamy didn’t get a response from her, but he did hear movement on the other side. He pushed off of the door, standing back to give her space once the door opened. Bellamy could feel pain and anguish radiating off her in waves. He stood silent as he waited for the wrath he knew would be coming for him. 

“No, Bellamy, I am not okay,” Clarke muttered as she balled her hands into fists. “I went through the darkest part of my life alone because you were a damn coward!” She sobbed as she slammed her hands into his chest pushing him back against the wall. 

Bellamy brought his arms up to wrap around her in an attempt to calm her. His heart was breaking as the sobs wracked through her, whatever she was hiding was slowly killing her and it was somehow connected to him. 

“Clarke, talk to me.” 

Bellamy could feel her tears soaking through his tux ruining the fancy fabric, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He pushed her back gently before bending down to slip his arm under her legs and picking her up. He carried her into his room and laid down with her, as she continued to cling to him crying into his chest. 

“Princess,” Bellamy whispered, caressing her back, “I need to know what happened.”

Bellamy felt her lift her head from his chest slowly bringing her stormy blue eyes to his own. The pain hidden in the depths was enough to fracture his heart. He brought his hands up to cup her cheeks wiping the tears from them. 

“Bellamy...just for tonight...can we pretend the past never happened?”

Bellamy suddenly found it hard to breathe as her words registered. The desperation in her voice was his breaking point. Bellamy cradled her face between his hands and pressed his lips to hers. He knew he couldn’t change the past or take away her pain but he could give her tonight, even if tonight was all they had.

* * *

Clarke shuddered against him as his lips met hers in a hesitant way almost as if he couldn’t believe this was happening. She could feel her head starting to spin as the sensations took over her body. Her skin started to warm as it came alive under the gentle caress of his hands as they traveled over her body. Every kiss and touch brought back little flashes of memories in her mind. The firmness of his lips, the sureness of his hands, and the taste of him brought everything back to her. Clarke could feel her heart racing as one of his hands traveled down her side and the tip of his thumb brushed the edge of her scar. She tensed beneath him before breaking the kiss on a sob.

“I...I...can’t...Bellamy.”

“ _Clarke_.”

Clarke couldn’t meet his eyes as she scrambled to her feet, quickly walking out of the room without a backward glance. She needed to get out of his room and out of his apartment before everything fell apart. Clarke ignored him calling to her as she scooped up her shoes and headed for the elevator. She couldn’t believe what she had just done with him of all people. Her head was still spinning from his confession but she knew that hers was going to break any stable footing they had found. 

Clarke waited for the elevator listening for his footfalls but didn’t hear any following her. She watched the numbers climb as the car came closer to its destination. She sighed heavily, leaning against the cold metal and hoped she was saving her heart from everything. The doors were closing as a hand slipped in between them causing them to slide back open. Her eyes immediately found his and the coldness that resonated inside chilled her to the bone. 

“Clarke, what the hell happened?”

Clarke didn’t have a response for him as he stood there with a mixture of emotions swimming across his features. 

“Seriously, Clarke? After everything, you’re running again?”

Clarke closed her eyes to keep from telling him the truth she has kept hidden for so long. She knew she would break if she saw his broken look one more time. “Bellamy just let it go...let me go,” she whispered out as a single tear slid down her cheek. 

“Now, who’s the coward?” 

Clarke opened her eyes in time to see him pull away, releasing the elevator doors and walking away. She wanted to stop the doors from closing and to run after him, but she remained glued to the back of the elevator. The doors closed, revealing a distorted version of her current state and she felt her lungs freeze. She looked like a caged and wild animal fighting for survival and that terrified her more than anything else.

Clarke reached the first floor, quickly putting on her shoes before exiting the elevator. For the first time of the night, she had no idea how she was going to get home. She had no phone, no purse, and no way out because going back upstairs was not an option. Clarke went out to the street to hail a cab, hoping Raven would be home to cover the cost and let her inside the apartment. Her eyes scanned the street for which direction would lead out to a busy street and almost collapsed when she met the warm gaze waiting for her.

“Raven!” Clarke yelled as she crossed the street. “How did you know?”

“Shaw came home alone and said that you left with Bellamy,” Raven said. “Does he know?”

“I couldn’t tell him, Raven. I don’t know how.”

“Clarke…”

“Let’s go home.”

Clarke walked around to the passenger side of the car and dropped into the seat, without another word. She knew Raven wasn’t going to give this up, but she didn’t have it in her to fight her logic any longer. She knew she would have to be honest with Bellamy, but she needed to sort out the revelations that tonight brought her. Clarke felt herself starting to fall asleep as they made their way back to the apartment. She couldn’t keep her eyes open and leaned her head towards the window, closing them as a past she wanted to forget came crashing back to her.

_Clarke sat there staring at the sink where the small stick sat at the edge. She glanced at her phone to see how much time was left drumming her fingers against the marble countertop. She felt her heart stop as the alarm went off and she picked up the test. Two pink lines gave her the answer she had been dreading since she missed her period. Clarke took a deep breath to calm her nerves as her hands started to shake. She felt the walls starting to close in as panic coursed through her veins._

_“Clarke?”_

_Clarke jumped at the sound of her mom calling to her from the other side of the door. She quickly swiped everything into the trash and shoved it under her sink. “Just a minute,” Clarke called. Taking a look at herself, for the first time since she realized she was pregnant, she realized she looked a mess. Her mom was used to the sight to tear stained cheeks and red eyes though._

_“Yeah?” Clarke said as she opened the door._

_“Are you okay?” Abby asked, concern coloring her voice. “You’ve been in there for a long time.”_

_“Yeah, I’m fine,”she said, ignoring the last bit, moving around her mother towards her room._

_“Clarke, what’s going on with you?” Abby questioned, lightly touching her arm to stop her movement. “Is it that boy you were dating? Did he do something?”_

_Clarke stopped at the mention of Bellamy, her mom had apparently never bothered to learn his name, even after two years. She hadn’t realized her mistake until her mother had zeroed in on her reaction to him._

_“What did he do?”_

_“Nothing, mom, he didn’t do anything.”_

_“Clarke, you’re not acting like it’s nothing,” Abby retorted in disbelief. “Something happened...did he hurt you?”_

_“No, mom, nothing is wrong.”_

_“Clarke, something is wrong and you need to tell me if he assau--,”_

_“I’m pregnant,” Clarke blurted to stop her mom from continuing that sentence._

_“You’re what?”_

_“I’m pregnant, mom.”_

_“You can’t be serious, Clarke, even you’re not that stupid,” Abby spat angrily, glaring at her._

_Clarke ignored the venom in her mother’s voice and pulled the trash can from beneath the sink. She hadn’t meant to blurt it out but the insinuation her mother was making wasn’t something she could stand to hear. Clarke shoved the trash can into her mom’s arms, not caring about her opinion anymore. It was clear that she wasn’t going to be the understanding one. She watched the realization wash over her mother and tried to prepare herself for the outburst._

_“Clarke Elizabeth Griffin!” Abby shrieked, dropping the trash can to grab onto her arms. “You absolutely are not keeping it!”_

_Clarke was taken aback at the words coming from her mouth. She had never heard her mother talk that way to anyone, especially not her. There was a wildness to her that slightly frightened her as the anger rolled off of her in waves._

_“I don’t know what I want to do, mother, I literally just took the test.”_

_“No, Clarke, you’re not understanding me,” Abby demanded, her grip tightening around Clarke’s arms. “You’re not going to keep it, I will make you an appointment, it will be like it never happened.”_

_“And if I don’t want that?” Clarke asked, needing to know her response. “What happens then?”_

_“You either go to the appointment or get out,” Abby stated firmly. “It’s that simple.”_

_For a brief moment, their eyes met and she knew that her mother was dead serious about her choices. Clarke pulled herself from her mother’s grip, dodging around her to get to her room, so that she could pack what little belongings could fit into a backpack. She ignored the high pitched shrieks that came from her mother as she called after her._

_“Clarke!”_

_“Clarke!”_

“Clarke, wake up!”

Clarke felt herself jolt out of the nightmare as her mother’s cries turned into Raven’s soothing voice. She looked around for a moment, confused as to where she was, before the night came flooding back to her. Clarke could still smell him on her skin and it added another crack to her fractured heart. She unbuckled her seatbelt to get out of the car when Raven’s hand stopped her from continuing.

“I know you don’t want to hear what I think, but,” Raven started before pausing slightly, “You need to tell him everything. You’re never going to heal without it”

Clarke blinked to clear the sleep from her foggy brain, unsure of how to respond to her friend’s statement. She took a deep, shaky breath to give herself some time to think, knowing that Raven was waiting for some sort of answer. 

“Do you really think that it will change anything?”

“Clarke…” 

“I’m being serious, Raven,” she sighed. “Do you really think that it will change anything?”

“I think you’re still hurting because you don’t have someone to share the burden with and that maybe, by telling him, you’ll be able to heal.”

“Okay,” Clarke whispered. “Thank you for everything, Raven,” she said before reaching across the console to hug her friend. Clarke wasn’t sure if she was right about needing help to carry her pain but she owed it to Bellamy to at least give him the chance to do it.

Clarke let go, pulling away to unbuckle her seatbelt and exit the car. She felt Raven grab her hand, squeezing gently, as they made their way back to the apartment. Clarke would need to apologize for leaving Shaw at the reception but that could wait until tomorrow. She needed to find the courage to face the past and the secret that she has been holding onto for the last five years.

* * *

Bellamy sat on his couch, staring into darkness that surrounded him as the night filtered into his apartment. He hadn’t bothered to turn on any of the lights, when he returned after chasing Clarke to the elevator. Bellamy didn’t see the point and was still trying to wrap his head around everything that had happened as he took another pull from the bottle of whiskey. He knew she was hiding something from him but he didn’t think he had the right to ask her to expose that part of herself. Not to him. Not after what he had done. 

A soft knocking sound against the door pulled Bellamy from the darkness. His heart starts racing at the thought of who could be on the other side of the door. Bellamy walked over to the door missing the broken shards of glass on the floor and opened the door without checking the peephole. He would need to clean up the glass later.

“I come in peace.”

Bellamy just rolled his eyes as he moved aside to let the person inside his apartment. “What do you want?” He asked, getting straight to the point, it had already been a long night that was just going to get longer. 

“I just wanted to check on you, Bellamy.” 

“I’m fine, you can tell Murphy that I’m fine,” he said, turning to walk back to the bottle of whiskey. “I don’t need a babysitter.” 

“Are you seriously forgetting what it was like the last time?” Emori questioned, her eyes dropping to the bottle in his hand. “That I was there with you, watching you fall apart at what the loss of her did, and helping you pick up the pieces.”

“Bellamy?!”

“I mean, there is nothing left to pick up this time,” Bellamy whispered. “Everything is just gone.”

“What happened?”

Bellamy closed his eyes against the pain that one simple question brought back to him. Flashes of Clarke crying, pain in her eyes, and then, the final one of her running away from him. He knew that he deserved it, but he still couldn’t wrap his head around it. 

“She asked about the night in the ski lodge,” Bellamy started. “I told her the truth of everything that had happened, including the part that her mother played in it.”

“And what did she say?”

Bellamy let a harsh laugh fall out of him as he thought about the irony of it all. “That’s, uh, the thing, she hasn’t talked to her mother in years.” He coughed trying to rid his mouth of the taste of bile that was hell bent on coming up. “Everything I did was for nothing, because she’s still an artist and her mother disowned her.”

“I don’t think that’s your fault,” Emori stated in an attempt to console him. “Did she say why they don’t talk anymore?”

“No, at first she wanted to forget the past and the next I’m chasing her as she runs out of my apartment.”

“I’m sorry, Bellamy,” Emori whispered, taking the bottle from him. “But I think it’s time to stop living in the past and just move on.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

Bellamy sighed heavily, shrugging his shoulders as he turned away from his friend. There was nothing left to say or anymore to explain. He knew Emori was just worried about him, she had been there for him, when he fell the last time. She would toss the whiskey on her way out of his apartment. He would have to thank her for that one in the morning, but right now he would have to try to fall asleep and not dream of the past.

* * *

Clarke awoke to the smell of heaven wafting into her room from the kitchen. She felt a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, because she knew Shaw wasn’t mad at her. She climbed out of bed, pulled her robe on and padded into the kitchen. Clarke saw him standing at the stove, flipping a piece of french toast and pulling a couple of done pieces of bacon from the pan. She snuck around him to grab for the coffee pot waiting with fresh coffee. 

“About last night…”

“You have nothing to explain or apologize for, Clarke,” Shaw began.“However, next time, just remember to take your stuff, so I don’t have to send Raven after you.”

“I promise to take my stuff, the next time I run from a reception.”

“Do you want to talk about what happened?” Shaw asked, setting a plate down in front of her. 

“Let’s talk about anything but Bellamy Blake.” 

“How is your newest addition to your collection coming along?” Shaw asked, before shoving a syrup soaked piece of french toast in his mouth. “I know it’s been awhile since you last painted for that one.”

“Don’t talk with food in your mouth!” Clarke admonished with a soft smile. “It’s coming along nicely. I think that it will be different than the others.”

“Different how?”

“I’m planning to add an element that hasn’t been in any of the previous works,” Clarke started. “I think it’s finally time to bring it in.”

“You ever going to tell me what it means to you?” Shaw asked, softly. “I mean, I can guess but I never want to assume anything.”

“Maybe one day, Shaw, maybe one day,” she said,finishing off the remaining few pieces. “Thank you for last night and for breakfast.”

“Any time, Clarke.”

Clarke just smiled at the simple statement that held so much emotion from him. She was thankful for his friendship and everything that it represented. She placed her dishes in the dishwasher and made her way back to her room. Clarke pulled the canvas from the drying rack and gently placed it on the easel. She pulled her phone out and selected her playlist, dropping it into the docking station. She listened as the melodies started pulling her into the right mindset to start painting. Clarke slowly opened her eyes to focus on the canvas, in front of her, and started gently painting the picture in her mind. 

_Clarke held the tiny picture in both her hands, marveling at the tiny thing she had growing inside of her. She couldn’t wait to get back to the small apartment she shared with Raven and see the excitement dance in her eyes. She was thankful to have her friend, when everything happened with her mother. Clarke was still coming to terms with the ultimatum her mother had given her. She was never going to be able to go back there, because her mother wasn’t ever going to accept her decision to keep the baby._

_“I’m going to love you forever,” She whispered, rubbing her slightly swollen belly. “You’re my everything.”_

_Clarke looked up in time to see that it was her stop and hurried to put the sonogram away, in order to get off the bus. She hurried down the sidewalk, her heart picking up the pace, the closer she got to the apartment. Clarke quickly climbed the stairs to the third floor, turning the corner towards the door, only to stop directly in her tracks. Her mother stood directly in front of her door and was ready to knock. Clarke slowly made her way backwards to keep her mother from seeing her and listened as she knocked._

_“What do you want?” Raven demanded, before her mother could say a word. “Clarke isn’t here, and if she was I still wouldn’t let you see her.”_

_“Raven, I need to talk to my daughter,” Abby spoke with cold indifference. “Where is she?”_

_“I already told you, she isn’t here and she definitely doesn’t want to talk to you,” Raven spat before slamming the door shut._

_Clarke ran to the stairwell, to hide in the doorway, before her mother came around the corner. She wasn’t sure what her mother wanted to talk to her about, but she definitely didn’t want to see her. Clarke watched her mother walk briskly past her and not even take notice that she was hiding in plain sight. She listened for the elevator to ding, before emerging from her hiding spot and racing down the hall. Clarke snuck into the apartment, trying to catch her breath and calm her racing heart._

_“You just missed your mom.”_

_“You mean, I just hid from my mom,” Clarke said with a laugh. “I found her as she was going to knock and hid in the stairwell.”_

_“Well then, I guess you heard I wasn’t the nicest to her.”_

_“She deserves it,” Clarke said, with a knowing smile. “Look what I have!” She all but screamed, pulling the ultrasound out of her bag and passing it to Raven._

_“Oh. My. God!” Raven shrieked, looking from the picture to Clarke. “I can’t believe that little baby is in there.”_

_“I know, right!” Clarke agreed, it was amazing that there was a minuscule human in her stomach. “There is even a little bump starting,” She said, lifting her shirt to show off her growing belly._

_“You’re gonna be an amazing mother, Clarke.”_

_“And you’re going to be the best aunt ever, Raven,” Clarke whispered as she wrapped her arms around her friend in a tight hug. “I wish I had an aunt like you.”_

_“Stop it, or I’m going to start crying,” Raven whispered against her ear. “I mean it, Griffin.”_

Clarke hugged her tighter as her emotions started to overwhelm her. She took a deep, shuddering breath as the tears started to trail down her cheeks. Clarke was so thankful for the person sitting next to her. She quickly wiped the tears from her eyes before Raven caught her crying.

Clarke let out a heavy sigh, shaking her head to clear the memory from her mind. She had lost herself inside of it all and she failed to hear the door open and close softly behind her. Clarke put the finishing touches on the painting, smiling softly at the finished product when she heard the quick intake of breath behind her.

“Clarke, it’s beautiful.”

Clarke jumped out of her seat, nearly knocking over the still drying canvas. “Raven! You scared the shit out of me!” She turned towards the door, her eyes connecting with Raven’s, the emotion swimming in the orbs brought tears to her own eyes. 

“You can’t start crying, because I will start crying,” Clarke said, watching her friend walk closer to inspect the painting. “What are you thinking?”

“What made you decide to do it now?”

“I’ve been debating it for a long time but, I think after last night, it’s time.”

“When are you going to tell him?” Raven asked, turning to look at her. “I think you should probably do it, before this is hanging there for him to see.”

“I know, but I don’t know if he will even take my call.”

“You have to try.”

Clarke felt Raven’s slim arms wrap around her shoulders in a tight hug and the distinct feel of tears dropping onto her shoulder. She could feel them welling up in her own eyes but couldn’t bring herself to say anything. She hugged her friend in return, letting the tears fall silently. It was going to be hard, telling him the truth, but he needed to know everything that happened, it was what he deserved.

* * *

Bellamy checked the time on his phone as the taxi dropped him off to his destination. He was right on time and in a need to drown out everything. He pushed the door open, listening as the bell announced his arrival. He heard the distinct sound of bickering coming from behind the bar as he walked further in. Bellamy shook his head slightly as their voices became clearer and he realized that it was Emori yelling at Murphy. He stopped, frozen at the sound of his name being thrown out by a very angry sounding Emori.

“Bellamy doesn’t need to know, John!” 

“I think that he deserves to be given a choice,” Murphy defended. “It would be up to him if he goes and sees it anyway.”

“What would be the point?” Emori hissed. “He got so bad a few weeks ago, Octavia had to come get him and last night, he was drunk with shattered glass all over the floor.”

“You saw him last night?”

“Yes, John, I checked on him after you said it was messy,” Emori sighed. “He’s my friend too, I care about him. Remember last time?”

“I do, Emori, but they need to figure it out,” Murphy said, lowering his voice. “They’re both struggling and they can’t keep living like this...as half a person.”

“You really think he can handle it?”

“Handle what?” Bellamy growled. He watched as both of his friends took on a look of pure shock. He didn’t care as he strode over to the both of them. Bellamy didn’t appreciate either of them talking about him as though he was a child. 

“Bellamy…”

“C’mon, tell me what is it I can’t handle Emori?” Bellamy sneered. “You seem to think you know what is best for me.”

“There is a new addition to the “Lost Boy” exhibit,” Murphy said. “Might be worth taking a look.”

“John!” Emori hissed, before throwing the towel she had been holding in his face. “You pick up the pieces when it all goes to shit!”

Bellamy turned to watch her walk away confused. “That’s what you were arguing about?” He asked moving to take up a stool at the bar.

“She is just concerned about you.”

“I got that, Murphy, but what does the exhibit have to do with me?” He asked, picking up the tumblr set in front of him. “I have no idea who created it.”

“I think it has more to do with a certain blonde crashing back into your life.”

“Clarke isn’t back, Murphy, not by a long shot,” Bellamy lamented. He downed the whiskey in a smooth swig, hissing at the burn in the back of his throat. “I’m pretty sure she isn’t coming back either.”

“Don’t count her out, Blake,” Murphy said, pouring him another drink. “She is a lot stronger than you think.”

Bellamy didn’t respond as he downed the whiskey, barely feeling the burn this time around. He was done talking about Clarke Griffin. He was ready to not feel anymore and set his glass down with a slight nod to it. Bellamy watched as Murphy shook his head but didn’t refuse him the new drink. He picked the glass up, swirling the amber liquid around, seeing the light dance inside the whiskey. He closed his eyes as memories started to flash creating images that he would rather leave in the past. 

_Bellamy watched her pour the whiskey into a small tumbler with a couple ice cubes to chill it. He was trying to hold back the grin threatening to break out across his face at her boldness. Bellamy couldn’t remember the last time he had met a girl that could drink whiskey straight and here was the captain of the cheerleading squad, drinking like a champ._

_“You sure you can handle that?”_

_“Oh, I know I can handle it,” Clarke boasted, grinning slyly at him. “It’s you that I am actually worried about…”_

_Bellamy couldn’t hold back his smile anymore as he reached over, grabbing the bottle from the counter and taking a long pull from it. He couldn’t believe the smoothness of the whiskey that slid down his throat._

_“I can handle it just fine.”_

_“Bellamy, I’m not worried about the whiskey,” Clarke said, turning away from him. “However, this game of truth or dare might be the end of you.”_

_Bellamy followed her into the living room where the cheerleading team and a few of his friends waited for the games to begin. He wasn’t sure about letting Octavia play but Clarke had promised that it wouldn’t get too bad and he was always able to send people home._

_“Could you two take any longer? We want to play!” Octavia hollered bouncing up from her seat on the couch. “You two need to learn to keep it in your pants.”_

_“Octavia,” Bellamy warned shooting his sister a look. “Do we have to play this childish game?”_

_“Yes, absolutely, I’ll go first,” Octavia announced without letting anyone else answer._

_Bellamy sat back quietly, hoping no one would call on him, but luck wasn’t with him as his sister turned her eyes towards him. He tried to communicate that he didn’t want to play the stupid game that she decided would be fun._

_“Bell, truth or dare?”_

_“Really, O?” Bellamy asked, shaking his head at the absurd pout on her face. “Fine, I pick dare,” He knew that he was going to regret the choice as soon as he saw the mischievous smirk in her eyes._

_“I dare you to seven minutes in heaven with Clarke.”_

_Bellamy’s jaw practically hit the floor as his heart rate started to pick up. He couldn’t believe that his sister had actually dared him to get into a closet with Clarke. He knew that Octavia had been up to something but this went well beyond her normal scheming._

_“Octavia, I don’t think--” He started only to be cut off by a taunt._

_“Don’t be a chicken.”_

_Bellamy snapped his head to his right to look at the person that was taunting him into the dare. He couldn’t believe that Clarke was egging him and his sister on in this little dare. He just shook his head rising to his feet and tugged on her hand to come with him. Bellamy wasn’t going to be bested by his little sister and he definitely wasn’t going to allow for Clarke to call names. He found the first closet pushing her inside as he closed the door behind them._

_“Timer starts now,” Octavia called from the other side of the door with a hint of laughter in her voice. “Remember to be quiet!”_

_Bellamy turned in the tiny space to look at the girl he had been pining after for the last couple of months. He wanted to kiss her ever since their camping trip but the timing never seemed right. She was an enigma that he was drawn to kinda like a moth to a flame. Bellamy watched the light seeping through the cracks in the door dance against her golden curls. She had this innocent expression on her face, but there was a fire in her eyes._

_“You ever--”_

_Bellamy pulled her towards him, effectively cutting off anything that she was going to say by covering her mouth with his own. He smiled slightly at the shocked little yelp she let out when he pulled her closer to him. Bellamy could taste the whiskey on her lips as he trailed the tip of his tongue along the seam of her lips. He felt her moan softly opening her mouth giving him access to deepen the kiss. The whiskey definitely tasted better when it was combined with something that was essentially all Clarke._

_“Bell…”_

_“Bellamy…”_

“BELLAMY!” Murphy yelled pulling him from his memories. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Bellamy looked down, finally noticing that the glass he had been holding had shattered in his palm. He hadn’t even felt the glass break in his hand until Murphy had started yelling at him. Bellamy delicately pulled the broken shards out of his hand and piled them on the cloth in front of him. He grabbed the other towel that was handed to him to wrap up his hand.

“I’m sorry, Murphy,” Bellamy apologized, not meeting his friends eyes. “I don’t know what happened.”

“Just go home, Bellamy,” Murphy snarked. “Go home, sleep it off, and maybe stop breaking other people’s shit.”

Bellamy just nodded his agreement that going home to sleep off this mess he had made was probably for the best. He slowly made his way out of the bar, taking care not to leave another mess in his wake. Bellamy sighed heavily as he collapsed into the waiting cab, knowing it was the one that Murphy ordered. He didn’t even need to tell him the address as he felt the car pull away from the curb. He put his face against the cold, glass window allowing it to soothe his aching head. He could only hope sleep would come quickly and end this horrible night.

* * *

Clarke was restless as she waited around for a call from the gallery. The newest addition had been hanging for almost three weeks. She could’ve sworn that Bellamy said he visited the exhibit weekly and should’ve been there by now. She worried that maybe he had been there saw what she was trying to tell him without words and didn’t care. Her head was in a constant state of ‘what if’s’ that only got worse as time passed. 

“Still nothing?”

Clarke turned to see Raven standing in the doorway with a grim expression on her face. “I still haven’t heard anything from anyone,” she answered, pulling herself into a sitting position to give space for Raven to sit down. 

“I don’t know if he has seen it or if he hasn’t been back since everything went down.”

“Does he know that you’re _the_ artist?”

“No,” Clarke started. “I refused to talk about that with him.”

“Then, why would he stop going?”

“Because he’s not stupid, Raven,” Clarke croaked with a sad smile. “He knew that Zeke and I weren’t together because of one little slip.”

“No, he is, in fact, an idiot,” Raven asserted. “Anyone who would walk away from you, is definitely an idiot.”

“Thanks, Raven.”

Clarke hugged her friend tightly and as she was pulling away, her phone went off next to her and her heart rate picked up. It was nothing more than a simple text message but it held everything for her. 

“I have to go,” Clarke whispered, hopping off the bed gathering her things. “He’s there and he hasn’t moved for the last hour or so.”

“Good luck.”

Clarke didn’t respond as she raced out of her apartment to get to the gallery before Bellamy left. She decided she wasn’t waiting for the elevator and took the stairs to the street and climbing into the first cab she saw.

“Where to?”

“Eden Art Gallery.”

Clarke sat in the back of the cab, attempting to catch her breath after running down four flights of stairs. Clarke felt her cheeks get pink as the cab driver glanced in the backseat, clearly trying to determine if she was going to be okay or not, so she gave him a thumbs up. She felt her heart trying to climb out of her chest, the closer they got to the gallery. She didn’t even wait for him to tell her the total before she shoved her cash through the window and took off to the gallery.

Clarke waved to the person who was sitting behind the desk who gave her the thumbs up that he was still there. She made her way to the back where her paintings sat on full display of the glass window. Her heart was in her throat as she made out his figure sitting on the bench with his shoulders slumped and his head in his hands. Clarke stopped, frozen in place, as gut wrenching sobs ripped from him. She took a step backwards, prepared to flee, because she wasn’t prepared for this.

“Clarke…”

Clarke held her breath as she turned her head to meet his eyes and the devastating pain she saw there was her undoing. She walked silently towards him unable to turn away and run again. She was done running from this and from him.

“Please don’t hate me,” she whispered as she sat next to him. “Let me explain before you judge.”

“Explain.”

Clarke closed her eyes against the hardening expression on his face and the tears that still glimmered on his face. She drew in a deep, cleansing breath and blew it out to prepare herself for what she was going to relive. Clarke opened her eyes again to connect with his briefly, before she turned towards the painting hanging in front of them.

“He was our son,” Clarke began slowly ignoring the way Bellamy’s head snapped up to stare directly at her. She just shook her head gently in warning for him not to interrupt, this was going to be hard enough and he seemed to understand. “And I lost him…”

_Clarke was laying in bed staring at the small picture she held in her hand of the tiny baby growing inside of her. She traced the small letters spelling out exactly what she was having and felt her lips pick up in a small smile. It’s a boy. Clarke was trying to picture what he would look like when she heard the front door open and close. She pulled herself up from her bed to join her roommate in the living room._

_“So what is the verdict?”_

_“Care to take a guess as to what I’m having?”_

_“I don’t care what the gender is, Clarke, I just want the baby healthy,” Raven said, dropping down onto the couch. “Boy or girl, it doesn’t matter.”_

_“It’s a boy,” she said passing the picture over to her friend. “I’m going to have a boy.”_

_“Congrats, Clarke, I’m so happy for you!” Raven told her, grabbing ahold of the photo debating her next words. “Do you think it’s time to tell him?”_

_“I...umm...no, I don’t want to tell him anything.”_

_“He made a mistake, Clarke,” Raven countered. “Don’t you think he should at least know he is a father?”_

_“Why should I share this with him after what he did?” She asked angrily. “He was the one that cheated on me and said we were nothing more than a high school fling.”_

_“You don’t have to let him back into your life,” Raven attempted to reason. “But he should at least get the chance to know about his son.”_

_“Whose side are you on, Raven?”_

_“I’m on your side, as always, Clarke,” Raven said turning to look at Clarke as she said the next part. “I’m just, I’m his friend too.”_

_“Then, why don’t you just go be his friend,” Clarke snapped before getting up from the couch. She didn’t even bother looking back at her friend to see the sad expression on her face. She didn’t want to think about Bellamy and the heartache that comes with it. Clarke threw herself on her bed and pulled her body pillow closer to her as she felt the first few tear drops start to fall. Her hand cradled the small baby bump that was actually starting to look like she was pregnant and cried herself to sleep for the boy she still loved who broke her heart._

_Clarke woke up to a shooting pain ripping through stomach as a scream tore from her throat, making it hard to breathe. She felt the tears pricking behind her eyelids as she tried to breathe through the pain. She sat up at the same moment that Raven came bursting into her room, half asleep and a confused expression on her face._

_“Something...is...wrong,” Clarke panted out as she moved to stand._

_“C’mon let’s get you to the ER.”_

_Clarke clung to her friend as the pain continued to intensify, making every step she took excruciating. She was trying to focus all her energy into breathing rather than allowing her mind to run wild with all of the possibilities of what could be happening._

_“Do you think it’s labor?”_

_“I don’t think so,” She said as she braced herself for another shooting pain. “It doesn’t feel like anything in the book said you would feel.”_

_“I don’t think they’re as accurate as they claim to be” Raven tried to reassure her. “I think it’s more general as everyone is different.”_

_Clarke didn’t bother trying to explain that her gut was telling a different story and something was seriously wrong. She concentrated on her breathing to keep from passing out as they made their way to the hospital. It wasn’t long before they were pulling into the hospital and Raven was pulling her from the cab._

_“She needs help!” Raven screams, practically dragging Clarke through the doors. “She needs a doctor.”_

_Clarke watched as a whole team came racing towards her, barely registering any of the questions being thrown her way. She would’ve laughed at the absurdity of it all, if the circumstances were different. Luckily, she had Raven to field the questions that she couldn’t answer as the pain intensified making her scream as she crumpled to the floor._

_“He’s dying…,” she whispered as the realization hit her. “Raven...I can’t lose him too.”_

_“Please keep calm, Miss Griffin,” a nurse said. “We will get you checked out.”_

_Clarke felt herself fading in and out of consciousness as the people around her continued to work to determine what was wrong. She could hear different terms being thrown around the room as they assessed her. Clarke was unsure what exactly anyone determined was the issue, but she was being taken away for an emergency c-section. She felt herself slip into the darkness that beckoned her, offering her solace from the pain and heartache that was waiting for her in the cold light of day._

Clarke wasn’t sure when exactly his hand had slipped into her own, but she squeezed it gently. She turned her face towards him, finally allowing their gazes to meet. Her heart was in her throat at the look of pure anguish deep inside of his eyes. 

“What...uh...what happened?” 

“The placenta detached from the uterus causing premature labor,” Clarke explained. “They tried to save him but he was too early.”

“Were you ever going to tell me about him?” Bellamy questioned, needing to know. “Tell me that I had a son?”

“Bellamy…”

“Answer the question, Clarke.”

“I don’t have an answer, Bellamy,” she whispered, feeling his hand in hers start to tremble. 

“You don’t have an answer!?” Bellamy roared, pulling his hand from hers. “You can paint canvas after canvas of our son as a lost boy, but can’t answer a simple question!”

“Bellamy, I started this exhibit as a way to heal myself!” Clarke yelled back. “It was a cathartic release for me to picture all of the things he should’ve gotten to do!”

“And what about me, Clarke?” Bellamy brokenly asked. “I found out about him and lost him all in the same day!”

“Bellamy, that’s not fair.”

“What do you know about fairness?” Bellamy argued. “You’ve had five years to heal and I’ve had five minutes.”

“I’m sorry, Bellamy,” Clarke pleaded. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“So answer the question, Clarke,” Bellamy goaded. “Were you ever going to tell me about our son?”

“I don’t know,” she whispered, against the pain in her chest. “I honestly don’t know.”

Clarke watched as Bellamy turned his back to her and left her standing in front of the painting. She wanted to call after him, bring him back to her, and soothe the ache she created in him but she did nothing. She turned back towards the painting that showed _his_ grave with them standing over it hand in hand. Maybe someday they would be able to visit him together, but today Bellamy had to deal with the birth and death of his son.

* * *

Bellamy could feel the rage flowing through his veins as he made his way through his apartment. He was still trying to come to terms with everything as he started looking for the whiskey. He would take anything at this point...anything that would make the pain in his chest ease just a little. Bellamy found a twelve year old scotch instead of the whiskey and popped the top off of the bottle. He pulled a glass down, pouring the amber liquid into the glass. The glass never reached his mouth as a sob retched from his throat. Bellamy put the glass on the counter, before leaning his head down on his forearms. His chest heaved, wracking his body with sobs as he mourned a different kind of loss.

Bellamy wasn’t sure how long he stayed bent over, but slowly he stood up as the tears slowed down his cheeks. His sobs quieted to small hiccups as his breathing evened out, making it easier to take a full breath. He saw the glass of scotch sitting next to his hand and felt the uncontrollable urge to smash it against the wall. Bellamy didn’t register the movement of his arm before the shattering of glass pierced his ears. He felt a release of tension with the sound, before he moved on to other things in his apartment. He didn’t care what he was breaking, smashing things gave him a better escape than the alcohol.

Bellamy meticulously made his way through the apartment finding things to break into a million pieces that mirrored his heart. Picture frames that held happy times, table lamps, and awards he received from the college. He finally made it to his bedroom where the painting Octavia had given him as a gift sat on top of his dresser. Bellamy stared at it for a few minutes before moving towards it. He was so focused on destroying everything he thought held meaning to him, that he didn’t hear the front door open and close. He only registered the other person, as arms came around him preventing him from reaching the painting.

“Bellamy!”

Bellamy twisted out of reach of the person holding him back, turning around to take a swing at him. He just barely missed his mark as the other person quickly ducked out of the way grabbing his wrist to pull his arm behind him, pinning him against the doorway.

“Calm the fuck down” Murphy heaved out. “What happened? Your apartment looks like a fucking war zone.”

“He’s gone,” Bellamy whispered out against the door. “I didn’t even…” He stopped short unable to finish the sentence. 

“I’m sorry,” Murphy whispered as he felt the fight leave Bellamy. “I’m so sorry.”

Bellamy felt the shock hit him as the words registered in his mind. Murphy released his hold, just before his knees gave out and he slid to the floor

“You _knew_?!”Bellamy accused. He was struggling to understand how his friend knew but never said a word.

“Talk to me,” Murphy whispered. “You know instead of fucking up your apartment.”

“I don’t even know where to begin,” he said softly. “I went to see the exhibit, sat there for god knows how long and then Clarke was there.”

“And?”

“She told me what happened and it escalated into a fight with me storming off.”

“Why did you two fight?” Murphy asked, clearly confused. “You had more to talk about than you did to fight about.”

“I asked her if she was ever going to tell me,” Bellamy explained. “But she couldn’t answer that one simple question.”

“So you freaked out on her?”

“I just wanted to know the answer, Murphy,” He said with a slight shake of his head. “She had five years to tell me and didn’t.”

“You have to remember how _you_ ended things, Bellamy,” Murphy explained. “She lost you, her mom, and her baby at seventeen, let that sink in for a minute.”

Bellamy sat there in disbelief as Murphy’s words filtered into his brain. He couldn’t believe he was being the voice of reason in this mess. He knew that Murphy was right about it, he needed to look at from Clarke’s perspective.

“Were you really going to break the painting?”

“What?”

“You were headed for the painting, when I caught up to you.”

“I don’t remember anything, after the glass I shattered full of whiskey,” Bellamy said, feeling apprehension crawling up his spine. “How bad is it?”

“The twelve year whiskey, Bellamy!” Murphy hollered, shoving at his friend. “For that, I should’ve just let you trash Clarke’s painting.”

“ _Clarke’s_ painting isn’t here, Murphy.”

“Bellamy, you can’t really be that dense,” Murphy snorted. “You’ve been admiring her work for the better part of the last five years and you can’t tell her technique.”

“Clarke painted that gift of O’s?” Bellamy asked, shocked that he didn’t even notice the similarities. “Sometimes, I hate you.”

“Don’t we all,” Murphy agreed, before standing up. “Take some time and then maybe try talking to her. If not, that painting is going to be one hell of a reminder of everything.”

“You’re literally the worst friend ever.”

“C’mon, I will help you clean up,” Murphy bargained, pulling him up to his feet. “And this time, you won’t even owe me one.”

Bellamy grunted as he shook his head at the absurdity of that statement.The last time Murphy did him a favor, it ended up costing him more than he ever imagined. They made their way down the hallway and the sight of his apartment made Bellamy wince. He shook his head slightly, before he started picking up the pieces of splintered wood and broken glass that mirrored his heart. Bellamy sighed heavily, knowing he needed to talk to Clarke, school starts in a week, and he was completely fucked.

* * *

Clarke laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, watching as the sun seeped into her room. She watched the different patterns shift and dance as the curtains moved with the soft breeze flowing in from the open window. Clarke was dreading getting out of bed because everything about today felt ominous and heavy. She turned her head slightly as the sound of her door being opened caught her attention. She smiled softly as Raven tip toed inside as quietly as she could but the metal clink of her brace gave her away. 

“I’m awake, you don’t have to sneak in here.”

“I wasn’t sure if you would be sleeping or not,” Raven said as she crawled in behind Clarke. “Normally your up, having coffee with Shaw by now.”

“Today is different...you know that.”

“I know” Raven said softly. “Have you heard from him?”

Clarke closed her eyes as a sharp pang hit her and let out a heavy sigh. She hadn’t heard from Bellamy in two months, making her regret saying a word. 

“Still nothing?” Raven asked, her head tilting in confusion or maybe shock. “Maybe he’s busy?”

“Or maybe everything’s too much for him, and it’s easier to ignore than to deal.”

“Bullshit,” Raven spat. “I’m calling fucking bullshit.”

“Raven—“

“No, Clarke, he can be busy or just not ready,” Raven started, clearly pissed off. “But he doesn’t get to just ignore because it’s _easier_ for him.”

“Raven, I wasn’t—“

“Trying to make excuses for him? Trying to explain the hurt away, again?” Raven argued. “I was there when it ended, Clarke, I watched you pick up the pieces he left your heart in. Don’t give him a free—“

“He never cheated,” Clarke blurted, effectively shutting her friend up. “He did a fucked up thing but he didn’t cheat.”

“And you’re just supposed to believe him after all this time? And what is more fucked up than cheating?”

Clarke looked away sheepishly as she suddenly realized she never told Raven the whole story. “Ow, what was that for?!” She snapped as Raven pinched her side. 

“You know what it was for, now spill it.”

Clarke rubbed her side, where the sting still lingered, before settling back down next to Raven. She took a deep breath and began explaining the truth that Bellamy confessed to before she fled his apartment. Clarke still found it a little surreal how different things could’ve been had she known. 

“Damn, seriously!” Raven exclaimed. “You know I used to admire your mom, but that’s fucked up AND Bellamy went along with it.”

“You know it’s funny, I’m not angry with him anymore,” Clarke admitted. “At first, I was furious because of it all, but then I remembered what I was hiding and he didn’t know what came after.” 

“So now what?”

“I’m going to ask him to come with me today,” Clarke said, “but first I’m going to need his number from you.”

“It’s still the same it was five years ago, Clarke. He never changed it and you never lost it.”

Clarke sat there in stunned silence for just a moment. She thought he would’ve changed it or gotten a new number in the last five years. She had spent a few sleepless nights, writing out texts to him she never sent, because she didn’t think it was his number anymore. 

“We are both idiots.”

“So stop being idiots.”

Clarke slowly reaches behind her head to grasp the pillow, swinging it towards her friend. Raven anticipated the retaliation and blocked the pillow from hitting her in the face. Clarke rolled out of bed to dodge the pillow coming back at her, just barely missing it. 

“Okay, no more!” She yelled holding her hands up in surrender. “I need to get ready but thanks for the pep talk.”

“Anytime, idiot,” Raven snarked, slipping out the door before the pillow Clarke kicked could make contact. “Let me know if you need me.”

Clarke didn’t bother responding as she looked for her phone, that was tangled in her sheets. She scrolled down to his number, her thumb hovering over it, nervous, before pressing down. Clarke quickly typed out the message and sent it before she lost her nerve. She wasn’t sure if he would respond but he didn’t really have to, he just needed to show up. 

Clarke tossed her phone down onto her bed and started getting ready. She pulled on a soft, baby blue, cotton shirt and a pair of black leggings. She contemplated dressing up a little, but changed her mind because this wasn’t the time. Clarke picked up her phone, without checking it, and left the apartment. She had a few more errands to run, before she made her way to the cemetery.

Clarke walked into the little florist shop that was on her way to her destination. She had been coming here to get flowers for his grave, for the last five years and the couple who owned it were the best. They never asked her who the flowers were for, but they always hugged her when she picked them up. 

“Has it really been a year?”

“Yeah, Monty, it’s been a year,” Clarke answered smiling softly. “How are Harper and Jordan?”

“They’re good, Harper will be sad that she missed you,” Monty said. “She had to take him to the doctor, something about a wellness check.”

“I’m sorry I’m going to miss her this time.”

“How are you, Clarke?” Monty asked, before pulling the small bouquet of ‘Forget Me Nots’ from the fridge to place on the counter. “You seem different, lighter maybe?”

“I don’t know if I am _lighter_ ,” Clarke joked, laughing at her own jab. “But more at peace is a better explanation.”

“I’m happy to hear you’re more at peace,” Monty said with a soft smile. “Harper will be too, because you do _deserve_ it.”

Clarke felt her heart ache at the sentiment because it wasn’t something she thought she would get to have. Her vision blurred slightly as tears lined her eyes. She smiled through the tears as she pulled him in for a hug, it was the first time she had initiated the connection. 

“Thank you.”

“Anytime, Clarke,” Monty uttered against her shoulder as he hugged her tightly. “You’re like family now.”

Clarke pulled back, trying to hold in tears as she placed cash on the counter. She nodded to Monty before picking up the flowers and walking to the door. Clarke didn’t trust her voice not to break so she didn’t say goodbye, but she knew that Monty would understand. 

Clarke drove the rest of the way to Mount St. Mary’s Cemetery. She hummed along to the playlist she had made over the years for this drive. Her phone pinged a couple of times, alerting her to nothing but a few junk emails. She parked her car in the usual spot, before glancing at the clock, it was past the time she had texted Bellamy to meet her. Clarke looked around the parking lot but didn’t see another car and her heart sank. He wasn’t coming. 

Clarke took a deep, settling breath before reaching over for the flowers. She started making her way towards her son’s grave, trying to calm her pounding heart. It thudded heavily in her chest, making her palms sweat and tears blur her vision. She counted the steps from the car to his headstone, a coping technique her counselor gave her. Clarke continued to cry silently, feeling that heaviness from earlier again. She looked up as she counted the last step, breath caught in her throat at the sight before her. 

“Bellamy?”

* * *

Bellamy turned to look at her as she came to stand next to him, closing the distance. He noticed the bouquet of flowers she was holding and silently took them from her. He gently set them next to the headstone, tracing the letters of his name before reaching back to grab her hand in his as they sat down. Neither of them talked for what felt like hours, allowing the pain of it all to engulf them both. Bellamy took a deep breath trying to come up with something to say, but for the first time in a long time words failed him. 

“You came.”

Bellamy lifted his head to look into her stormy blue eyes. He didn’t know how to respond to that simple statement. He thought earlier it had been a cruel joke when she had sent that message. It had been weeks since he had last talked to her, unsure of how to bridge the divide between them, but then it happened with a set of directions. 

“I wasn’t sure if you were going to come,” Clarke whispered. “When I didn’t hear anything back, I thought you weren’t going to come. I couldn’t even blame you, not really.”

“How could I not?” He asked in disbelief. “I thought maybe it was a cruel joke, that maybe you meant it for someone else.”

“Bellamy…”

“Listen, before you say anything, Clarke, just listen,” Bellamy started, cutting her off. “We didn’t leave things in a good way. Hell, I walked away, leaving you to relive one of the hardest parts of your life alone. I was trying to process everything,” he sighed, taking another deep inhale. “I’m so sorry that I walked away. I’m sorry for the past and not being around. First, it was classes with the start of the semester, then it felt like too much time had passed or the words were never right. I’m sorry, Clarke, for everything.”

Bellamy could feel his chest tighten as she just continued to stare at him, unflinching. He thought his heart was going to beat out of his chest if she didn’t respond with something. In this moment, he felt like he would take anything What she gave him was something he didn’t think he would ever get from her again. Bellamy watched in slow motion as Clarke leaned up onto her knees, pulling him closer as she wrapped her arms tightly around him. He finally let out the breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding as he hugged her back. For the first time in a long time, things felt like they were going to be okay. 

“So, uh, what made you pick that name?” He asked as she pulled away from him. “And thank you.”

“You have nothing to thank me for, Bellamy,” Clarke objected. “I wanted him to have a little piece of both of us and this was the only way I could think of it.”

_Griffin Blake_  
October 12, 2014  
May We Meet Again 

Bellamy traced the letters engraved in the beautiful marble before him with his free hand. He could feel her eyes on him as the silence grew between them. Bellamy pulled his hand away from the headstone to wrap his arms around her waist. He wasn’t sure what made him feel bold enough to do it, but it felt right. 

“Tell me about the time I missed,” he whispered against her ear as she melted into him. “Tell me everything.”

“I don’t know how much there is to tell,” Clarke began, looking towards the sky. “I blamed myself for the longest time. You know, I felt like I did something wrong,” she said, as she made her way through memories. “The night it happened, Raven begged me to tell you, we fought about it. Then, I went to bed angry at Raven, you, my mom, the world, but mostly myself. I was angry at my inability to tell you, to move past the hurt and be the bigger person. I woke up to more pain than I thought possible and I knew he was gone.”

Bellamy pulled her tighter against his chest, listening to her explain everything she went through during her pregnancy. 

“My scar hurts worse around this time of year,” Clarke said softly as she played with the hem of her shirt. “It’s like my body thinks I need a reminder of the worst day of my life. Living through it wasn’t enough, it just throbs all day to remind me some more.”

“Can I see it?”

“Bell...I don’t think I can do that here,” Clarke croaked, pulling away slightly. “Do you want to talk to him?”

Bellamy felt the confused look cross his face as Clarke settled back down against his chest, unsure of what she meant. Her soft voice fluttered up to his ears as he listened to her introduce him to their son. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to talk about and couldn’t form a coherent thought. Clarke appeared to understand, not forcing him to talk and continued talking to him. Bellamy listened as she talked about, what he could only assume was, the last year of her life. He traced patterns along her arm, just reveling in getting to touch her again.

“Are you ready?”

Bellamy wasn’t sure where to begin or even what to say, so he just started talking. Once he started, he couldn’t find it in him to stop. He talked about his mom and Octavia, life experiences through college, and then he talked about his biggest regret. He felt Clarke tense in his arms, as he whispered all the things he wished he had been there for. Bellamy felt her quiet tears fall onto his forearm, he didn’t want to make her cry again but she needed to know. He felt lighter than he had in the last few months, as if a burden had been lifted from his shoulders. He leaned down to kiss the top of her head gently before asking his next question.

“Come have dinner with me?”

“Okay.”

Bellamy smiled at the simple answer she gave him and nudged her into a sitting position. He glanced at his watch, realizing they had sat there, talking, for the better part of two hours. He stood up and moved in front of her, pulling her up and smiled down at her. Clarke was still as breathtaking as he remembered and the soft smile she gave him made his heart swell. He reached down to grab her hand, interlacing their fingers as he pulled her to walk next to him. Bellamy walked with her to their parked cars, thinking of the places he needed to stop before he made it back to his apartment. He had an idea for dinner that didn’t involve going anywhere else other than his place.

“I have some errands to run before dinner,” Bellamy started as they neared the cars. “Let’s say six at my place?”

“Yeah,” Clarke agreed, turning to him. “Sounds good.”

Bellamy just nodded as he pulled her into a hug, crushing her to his chest. He didn’t want this afternoon to end because he felt something had shifted between the two of them. He was afraid if he let her go, it would have been nothing more than a dream. Bellamy started to pull back, but before he could turn away,he felt her reach up and press a kiss gently to his cheek.

“See you soon, Bell.”

* * *

Clarke took a deep breath and lifted her hand to knock on the door before her. She could feel the slight shake in her hand from the nerves coursing through her body. She could hear soft music filtering through the door and smiled as she recognized the music. Clarke knocked softly and waited for the door to open. Her breath caught in her throat at the sight of Bellamy as the door swung open. 

“Clarke, come in,” Bellamy said, motioning for her to enter. “Dinner is almost done.”

Clarke smiled as she made her way inside, taking in Bellamy’s appearance. He was wearing a dark grey Henley with dark jeans, his long hair a mess of curls, black framed glasses and bare feet. She inhaled the aromas that surrounded her as she followed him to the kitchen. 

“Chicken Parmesan?” She asked, standing next to the stove with the simmering red sauce. “Is it your mom’s recipe?”

“Come on, Clarke,” Bellamy said with a bright smile that reached his eyes. “Would I feed you anything else?”

Clarke felt her heart stop at the smile that crossed his face. She forgot how beautiful he was when he smiled, especially when he was looking at her like that. She quickly looked away, hiding her face behind a curtain of hair. Her cheeks were on fire and she knew he would be able to see the flush there. 

“Do you want wine or water?”

“Umm, both?”

Clarke helped Bellamy set the table, feeling oddly at home as she placed the silverware down on the table. She took the glasses from his hands as he nodded towards the wine cupboard. Clarke looked over the different bottles of wine, she picked a decently aged Cabernet Sauvignon and took it to the table. She had just finished pouring the wine when Bellamy came in with their plates. Her mouth watered as he set the food down and retreated to his seat. 

“Let’s eat.”

Clarke took in the aromas again, before cutting a small piece of chicken. She let out a moan as the flavors exploded in her mouth. The sweetness of the sauce mixed with the juicy chicken and the smokiness of the cheese was almost too much. Her eyes closed tightly to savor it a little bit longer. Clarke slowly opened her eyes to find Bellamy studying her.. 

“What? Do I have something on my face?” Clarke asked, a slight note of panic in her voice. “Bellamy?”

“No, Clarke, I just forgot how beautiful you are.”

Clarke’s face flushed as she took another bite. It had been years since she tasted anything this good, her mind went back to the times his mom had made it for them. 

“How is your mom?” Clarke asked, needing to shift the focus of their conversation. “I don’t remember her being at the wedding.”

Clarke felt the mood shift as a look of sadness crossed his features, making her wish she could go back and not ask the question. Her heart pounded as she waited for the answer about his mom, knowing that it wasn’t going to be good. She was right as his next words broke a small piece of her heart.

“She, uh, was in an accident, shortly after the ski trip,” Bellamy stated as he pushed food around on his plate. “She was coming home late one night from work and a drunk driver ended up crossing the dividing lines, she never stood a chance.”

“I’m so sorry, Bellamy,” Clarke murmured, reaching over to grab his hand. “She would’ve been proud of you and O.”

“Thank you, Clarke,” Bellamy whispered, squeezing her hand in response. “I think she would’ve been proud of you too.” 

Clarke blushed at the sincerity of his voice and the look in his eyes that conveyed his truth. She wasn’t sure what to say. When it came to the loss of a parent there wasn’t much you could say to someone. It was kind of like the loss of their son, everyone could say how sorry they were but nothing mattered in the end. 

“Tell me about the last few years.”

Clarke was grateful for the change of subject after bringing up another sad time in his life. She explained how she finished high school by testing out of her classes. She told him that she started therapy after Griffin and art played a huge part in her recovery. Finally, how the ‘Lost Boy’ exhibit got her noticed at Eden and gave her a job. Clarke hadn’t realized that she was talking so much until he started clearing their plates. 

“Bellamy, why did you let me talk so much?” she cried, jumping up to help him. “All I have done is talk about me and I haven’t heard anything about you!”

“I like listening to you talk,” Bellamy laughed as he rinsed the dishes. “And besides now I can ask you to stay to continue to catch up.”

“I would’ve stayed without the excuse, Bellamy,” Clarke pointed out. “I want to hear about the last five years.”

Clarke watched him as he methodically cleaned the kitchen. She stood silently next to him, enjoying his company as she dried the dishes he washed. She stacked them neatly by the sink before passing him the dish towel to dry his hands. Clarke felt something heavy in the air, like a shift happened again but this time she missed it. She walked over to the table to grab both of their wine glasses as he nodded towards the living room. Clarke had just set both their glasses on the table, when she heard him clear his throat behind her. 

“Clarke…” Bellamy whispered. “Can I see, uh, your scar? Please.”

Clarke turned around to see him looking at her, with an intensity she remembers from when they were younger. It had been a different time but she remembered that look on his face. He was determined but still wanted this to be her choice and to make her feel comfortable. She took a deep, cleansing breath as she reached up to pause at the hem of her shirt. Raven is the only other person to see her scar and she was terrified to show Bellamy.

“Are you sure you want to?” She whispered. 

“Clarke, I do.”

Clarke tugged on the hem to expose her soft stomach before pulling at her leggings to expose the rugged pink scar. She held her breath as she watched him tentatively reach out to touch her but stop short of making contact. Her heart was beating wildly in her chest as he dropped to his knees before her as his eyes asked a silent question, all she could do was nod in response. Tears pricked her eyes as he pressed his soft lips to the scar as a sob lodged in her throat. Clarke reached up to thread her fingers through his hair as they both cried silently for their son.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you, Clarke,” he murmured against her skin. “I should’ve been there for the both of you. I never meant for this…”

“Bellamy, it’s okay,” Clarke whispered. She continued running her fingers through his hair, grounding them both. “You aren’t the only one to blame here. I didn’t tell you when I had the chance.” She moves away slightly to push her shirt back down, before kneeling to take his face between her hands. “I can’t lose you too. Let’s move past the trauma and into a new future”

“Together?” Bellamy asks tentatively.

“Together.”

* * *

_**Five Years Later** _

Clarke awoke to the gentle hum of a familiar nursery rhyme and the soft coos of a baby. She blinked opening her eyes to see Bellamy rocking Madi in the chair next to their bed and found herself smiling. Clarke reached out to get his attention, to let him know that she was awake and her heart stopped for the millionth time. The sight of him holding their daughter would never stop being breathtaking. She laughed at the thought because if he knew what she was thinking, he would protest. 

“Good morning, Princess.” 

“I thought we agreed we wouldn’t give her that nickname,” Clarke grumbled as she stood, taking her from his arms. “I thought we would call her peanut or something, just not that.”

“I was talking to _you_ , Princess,” Bellamy said, kissing both of them on the forehead. “This munchkin is still Peanut.”

“Is everything ready for today?”

“We are all set to go,” Bellamy said as he headed for the living room. “Just waiting on you to be ready.”

Clarke swayed gently, cradling her daughter to steady the racing of her own heart. Today was going to be a big day for them all. She turned towards the closet to get her clothes together before laying Madi on the bed. She quickly changed while keeping an eye on the bright eyed baby, watching her every move.

“Come on, little miss, it’s time to go.”

Clarke made her way out to the living room, where Bellamy was waiting with the carseat. She buckled Madi into the seat, grabbed the diaper bag, and headed out of the apartment. Bellamy was silent behind her but reached for her hand as they stood waiting for the elevator. She squeezed his hand gently, in reassurance, as the elevator announced its arrival. Clarke could feel he was apprehensive about today.

“It’s going to be okay, Bell,” she whispered. 

“I know,” Bellamy agreed, “still makes me nervous to see him.”

Clarke understood what he was feeling. Even after all this time, she still gets nervous going to see Griffin. She took a deep breath as they reached the bottom floor, then made her way to the car. Once Madi was settled in the backseat, they both got into the front and traveled towards the cemetery. 

“Don’t forget,we have to stop at the flower shop.”

“Yes, _Princess_.”

Clarke laughed at the scowl on his face, smacking him gently on the arm, before he broke out into a smile. She knew he wasn’t mad at the reminder but she didn’t want him to forget about the flowers. Their second trip to see Griffin had almost been a disaster, when she fell asleep in the car and he passed the flower shop. She had insisted they go back for them, because if she didn’t Monty and Harper would call a search party for her. Clarke had been right when she entered the shop and both of them came running from the back asking her what happened. She explained the misunderstanding and introduced them to Bellamy. He has yet to miss the flower shop on the way again. 

“Are we going to do dinner with them after?”

“Yeah, I don’t know what Monty is cooking,” she started, “but I bet you it will be green.” Clarke laughed again at the face he made at the mention of Monty cooking. “I promise it won’t be as bad as last time.”

“If you say so.”

Clarke smiled sweetly at him, lacing their fingers together as she leaned her seat back slightly to let the sun warm her face. She felt herself starting to nod off as they made their way to the flower shop. Bellamy would run in to get the flowers, if she fell asleep, and she would be able to see Monty and Harper at dinner. Clarke was still adjusting to life with a newborn but Bellamy took to it like a natural. She would be dragging her feet, while he was full of energy as if he had a full night’s sleep. Clarke envied him sometimes but there were the quiet moments at night, when he was asleep, that she got to bond with Madi. Those were the moments she cherished the most. 

“Clarke, we’re here,” Bellamy whispered against the shell of her ear. “I’ve got Madi, but now I need you.”

Clarke twisted her face, kissing him on the cheek, before getting out of the car. She wasn’t sure what lottery she had won in order to get him, but she was thankful. It wasn’t easy to get to where they are now. They had made their way through the hurt and the trauma to become stronger together. Clarke reached for his hand to start making their way to Griffin, when the sunlight caught her rings. She smiled brightly at the reminder of the promise they made to each other. 

Let’s go.”

Clarke counted the steps that would take them to Griffin, gripping Bellamy’s hand tightly as they got closer to it. He held onto Madi as she wiggled and cooed in the carrier strapped to his chest. Clarke could feel her heart continue to thud in her chest, the usual rhythm of sorrow as their steps counted down to zero. She knew the tears sliding down her cheeks as she turned to take Madi from him. She stepped forward, kneeling on the ground, turning her just enough to see the headstone. 

“Madi, meet Griffin,” Clarke whispered through her tears holding her closely. “He’s your big brother.”

Clarke gets comfortable on the ground with Madi in her lap, when she feels Bellamy behind her. She sinks into his silent strength, much like she did that first time. She listens to the soft cooing of their daughter, as though Madi is talking to Griffin. Neither of them feel the need to interrupt her or talk as though she isn’t there. It isn’t long before she slips off to sleep with a sweet smile on her face and then Bellamy starts to talk. 

Clarke listened as Bellamy talked about everything that happened over the last year and his dreams for the next one. He talked about his students encouraging him to become the soccer coach, which he absolutely loves. He talked about Octavia and all the places she and Lincoln have travelled and his hopes that she will settle down soon. He talked about every last detail of the day they were married and how it was perfect. He talked about his regrets and things he was going to change. He told him that he loved him and would see him again next year, allowing Clarke to talk to their son.

She told him about how she started a new exhibit called ‘Adventures of Griffin & Madi’ that was becoming popular. She told him how she still paints for ‘Lost Boy’ but it stays at home with them. She told him about finally saying yes to Bellamy, when he wouldn’t stop asking her to marry him. She started crying again as she said the next few confessions. She told him how scared she was to find out she was pregnant again and how terrified she was, the night Madi was born. She told him she misses him everyday and there isn’t a day she doesn’t think of him.

Clarke took a deep breath before leaning over to kiss his headstone just above his name. She whispered _I love you_ against the cold marble. She felt the arms around her tighten to hug her and Madi tightly. Clarke felt her heart swell and become whole again, sharing this moment with Bellamy, Griffin, and Madi. She felt like she could finally breathe again, knowing she had all of them. She turned her head to kiss Bellamy softly before she whispered she was ready to go. He gently took Madi, placing her in the carrier swiftly, before helping her up. Clarke held onto his hand as she glanced back one more time to whisper.

“I’ll love you forever, Griffin Blake, may we meet again.”

**Author's Note:**

> This story is dedicated to all those who have experienced pregnancy loss and have been gifted rainbow babies. You are truly amazing people and deserves all the love in the world. 
> 
> This story could not and would not have been completed without [biconicclarkeyg](https://biconicclarkeyg.tumblr.com/). She is my best friend and the wonderful person who kept me going when I wanted to delete this story. Also one of the best beta's cause she puts up with my wordy self.
> 
> Feel free to come yell at me on tumblr [johnmurphysass](https://johnmurphysass.tumblr.com/)


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